Mixed feelings

I just saw my sister at the local café near her unit.  I had popped in after my dental appointment to get lunch and when she saw me I immediately felt sorry about what I had written in an earlier post, about how difficult I found our relationship in the past.  I don’t always see the other side of my sister that she had to repress so many years ago, the side that can be caring, add to this that she showed me while we were talking a burn on her wrist… a very nasty one.  I immediately felt upset she was hurt, which shows me despite everything I still love my sister.   Then when I write that I am aware of the complex multi layers feelings that form such a huge part of our relationship.  She has really hurt me deeply in the past and I can see that maybe sometimes she wanted to help and I pushed her away due to deep hurt and what I do believe to be true was that on some level she didn’t really see me as much as my older sister did.

And yet I am also aware that there is no way I can fully know how my sister feels inside.  I wish we had been closer growing up but we were not.  Today we ended up having a really good conversation about things.  The conversation never goes very deep but still there was feeling in it, which immediately made me feel guilty about my earlier post, but I guess it shouldn’t.  All I tried to share earlier is how I am trying to pull away from any expectations, perhaps hoping in some way that will ease old past hurt or wounds over nasty thing she said when she wasn’t really that well emotionally.   Now on some level though I don’t deny the pain I still want to have love in my heart.  I hate the thought of talking about her behind her back on my blog and wonder if that doesn’t have a narcissistic element.  I don’t have a lot of close friends where I live and so my blog becomes often, my primary place of expression and so I do press out what is inside bad or good, just to get it out there, realising that nothing is set in stone and on any separate day feelings can change.

I just felt the need to post this post in the interest of balance.