Mixed Up

Conscious today that my posts have been a little all over the place.  I put some up then took them down along with You Tube videos, some of which hit a note of resonance.  I had a day I didn’t get out of my PJs.  I am aware that thoughts and emotions associated to past and future are not real now, but I am replaying them and then feel anxious.  I also made a connection between expecting too much of myself and panic attacks.  The truth is followers that I am deeply tired today.  I had an intense week where old head trauma woke up and then anger and then grief and then the desire to cut away and then the awareness of how much my family have suffered and of how their blocked offness seemed to hurt me, but the truth is I also made certain choices.  To go away when I wanted and needed to stay close and so I question how real my ideas of how they did respond were.  I only know that now I want to find peace and see how much sensitivity, trauma and the resulting outfall/confusion has dominated/paralysed my life but even then I was forced to travel deep down so was it all meant to be?  I don’t want to be so hard on myself or anyone else.  I get a bit tired of posts where old pain goes on over and over and over again, part of me screams ‘for God’s sake let it go’ and yet I also see where my own pain and resentment leaves me imprisoned behind walls while then bestowing freedom through that realisation and that statement could be one made by the inner critic.  I realise  I just want to live give and love after years of paralysis, shame, sadness and fear but maybe for today I just need to be and not think too much.  I am sick of fear holding me hostage.  I am tired but I also know there is a place where I am not so tired, a place where life energy courses through my veins on the days when skies are not so leaden grey and sunlight bestows some vital energy that can seem so absent as in the Southern Hemisphere we move towards the darkest day, it isn’t truly absent, at the moment the light is just hidden and will shine again another day I am sure and its okay to rest in winter as animals do.   Even if Jasper is presently gazing longingly and restlessly at the living room window to the street outside. 🙂