Sad

I just realised I feel bad today as for the past few days instead of starting my day by connecting to the world outside, I’ve opened the computer and blogged.   I got a huge rush of deep grief and sadness after a lot of inner struggle, then I by chance opened the email and read back some emails from my ex partner from this time 6 years ago.  It wasn’t a bad thing to do, we were trying to sort through things, or at least I was but I felt sadder as I saw from how he was writing how innocent the guy was and how much of my own fear and negativity I projected in the relationship.  In the past I have painted him as a narcissist but I don’t think he really was.  He was just from a very damaged home and struggling to find peace and build a happy life.  We came unstuck because expressing and understanding each others emotions was not a skill that was well developed in either of us at that point.   I feel so sad about this realisation now.

I know the sadness I feel today cannot really be solved right now.  I need to recognise that I need to connect from the heart and in person more, the life style of isolation I have chosen isn’t really sustaining for me at the moment, it makes my sadness and loneliness worse.  It is just hard to find likeminded people around and I am understanding how deeply lonely my soul is at the moment, lonely and empty.  No one can fix it for me.  I don’t need to keep blogging either, I need a break but I guess I blog in an attempt to externalise my feelings what ever is happening and so I can see it all in black and white.  Now I need to find something pleasant to do to nurture my soul.  I remember too the love my ex and I shared before things went badly wrong.

And I just wanted to say that sometimes when people share how difficult their trauma is but they have a loving husband I want to say, its doubly bad alone with not one person to really ease it for you just a vast empty space where another loving human life should be.