Not where I belong

Why have I spent so long, trying to fit in where I did not feel like I belonged?  Why did I keep knocking on that door that was always closed? Why did I keep longing for what I could never find in you?

I am not really sure of the answer to these questions and maybe I don’t need to know.  Maybe I just need to accept and let myself move on or at least away from that pattern.

An huge empty space seems to be opening around me today.  It isn’t a scary empty empty, the emptiness to me feels beautiful and curious all at the one time.  I am experiencing a strange feeling of spiritual displacement.   I see how I always felt apart, from the very youngest age.  I see that it is far better to accept this feeling than to try to change it and battle and be angry, sad or upset about it.

A good friend in the fellowship of AA used to say to me a lot “What’s for you, won’t go past you.”  I am aware that there is a part of my spirit and soul that at times is meant to be and feel set apart, at the same time as I feel deeply connected to something more profound, that is part of our spiritual journey.  There is a deep part of the soul in me that is always dwelling in deep aloneness but that aloneness is never empty, at times I feel all my ancestors around me in the emptiness.  It could be that close to the anniversary of my sister’s death with whom I shared a very strong spiritual connection I am becoming more aware of what the Gnositics used to write that this earthly experience we have is a kind of prison or vapour that surrounds a far deeper element of soul that we touch base with only in dreams and on the more intuitive plane.

I am not at all sure I am articulating what I am feeling today, which is hard to put into words.  Soon I have to meet my brother and we see each other so rarely, he comes from a different world and yet we are spiritually connected at the same time,  thinking about seeing him I am overcome with a profound tiredness and am aware how difficult rest is for him and all of us.  I am a bit apprehensive about meeting him as when I do, two very different worlds meet and I am never entirely sure of the outcome.  I’ll keep you posted.  But I feel that these feelings and questions I am having are very related to how I have always felt in my much older family, as a stranger that comes from a different land.