Sometimes… paralysis

 

I

I write so many posts that never make it out of drafts.  I am not sure why but my inner censor kicks in and won’t let me set them free.  This is one I wrote over a year ago:

Sometimes, I am nearly paralysed

with thoughts of yesterday

of what happened

of why, of what was and could not be

my mind turns this way and that

looking for an answer

searching for a reason why

so many painful events besieged us

you tell me

not to go into the story

is it because

it is a telling about

not an experiencing of

the true impact of all that happened?

When the impact hit me

I was flung forward

full throttle

and pierced

then whiplash pull push

tossed me about

this repeats

in a pattern

but exactly what part do I play

in repeating it?

Some times it is hard

to trust in the goodness truth and beauty of life

and so I choose or chose

paralysis

this livng death

I am witnessing and replaying

the necessary choices I made

that led to here

and in this witnessing

is a chance to choose again

to choose life and love

but this choice asks

that I face fully and deeply

my fear

the wall of pain

I must move through

to get to you

I hover like a frightened child

feeling the full impact

Today I answer that fear

with love

as I hold myself

and make the courageous step forward

my freedom rests on this

knowing many of the fears are phantoms

but powerful none the less

and that I must choose

to move forward

and love

in the absence of any guarantee

that love will win

in the end

but if I can love me

enough

then maybe this will be enough

for me to move forward

and finally leave

this pain and trauma and paralysis behind.