Feeling our Scars

So many of us are carrying scars.  And its hard to carry scars in a world that tells you that you should not be wounded or at least gives the impression that its not okay to feel sad or anger or depressed or in pain.  The even sadder truth is that this sadness and anger and depression and pain is not really who we ARE in our deepest spirit, but if our hard experiences leave scars that we have not ben able to feel and process indeed we can being to identify fully with those feelings thinking that they are who we really are.  And the deepest truth is that we find it very hard to let our pain be there, not try to resist it or push it away.

After I watched and posted Jeff Forster’s video on being perfectly okay as we are late last night I watched the next one on ‘letting go’.  We are so often told by others that we need to let things go by now.  My mother used to say it to me all the time,  “God, haven’t you let that go by now” and it seems an ideal to strive for.  On some level we do feel happier and healthier when we are not just replaying old injuries over and over and over in our mind but this only becomes truly possible after we process them and if we manage to descend deeply enough that in fully feeling and digesting the experience and pain it LETS US GO!

Why is it just so hard to accept that others are sad, angry or in pain.  If an angry bear came at you with a sore claw surely you would want to help him, but its more likely you would fear being attacked and come to think of it this is what happens with those with deep narcissistic injuries, their reaction to and difficulty sitting in their own wound and pain means that it gets acted out others.  We can all do it at times.

At the moment I am experiencing a lot of uncomfortable feelings myself.  Bidding for a property last week and being pushed to a higher price and caving has left me disappointed in myself.  There is no way to get out of the contract without a significant cost.  My mother was going to buy it but has changed her mind.  Now I also feel guilty towards the seller who is a very nice man because he is going to be stuffed around when we pull out.  Part of me just wants to roll over but I know that would not be right for me.  So at the moment I have to sit with and weather the deep feelings of discomfort in me.  I am a chronic people pleaser, it was the way I learned to get my parent’ s attention.  I want to please the seller, my mother, the agent and everyone else, but its just not a realistic motive and its bad for all concerned.  I am seeing this now, with my natal Venus square to Neptune and Venus transiting now retrograde in the 8th house of shadow and shared resources I have created a huge and inconvenient tangle for all concerned.  That is my fault!  I fucked up.  But there were factors there influencing me that at the time I did not have complete control over and so its pointless to beat myself up.

Watching Jeff Foster’s videos last night made me realise how much of a tangle I have got into by running from and resisting my feelings and due confusion from my childhood set in place by being thwarted from what I really wanted and needed.  This isn’t the first stuff up of its kind and I am with Venus retrograde getting a good insight into the others.  Its all good, if a bit painful.

I know I am just going to have to love myself and everyone else through this latest debacle of mine.  I am fearful of many things.  That the property I have decided to hold onto may drain my resources but I know fear for me often paints disaster scenarios that never would come to pass.  I just have to be patient and kind with me at the moment.  Watch my thinking but not let it run me.  I have come so far and am feeling so much happier than this time last year when I still had so many feeling suicidal days.  I know without a doubt that freedom from pain, for me has come through allowing myself to feel it, so when I read or hear things from Jeff Foster they resonate deeply I know he is sharing deep truths on the human condition, truths that can help me live with greater peace and acceptance.

And reading back that last paragraph there is not totally freedom from suffering or pain for any of us on this planet.  But there is a way in which we can learn to live through it and let us teach us essential lessons for isn’t that really what pain comes to us asking?  We need to make place for it all, somehow, someway.