Uncertain.

I hope the blogging community don’t get fed up with me.  Making the offer on this townhouse has stretched me to the limit.  I woke up to the fact I was pressured after the fact and then felt I had to do something to pull out.  Like I shared I consulted a solicitor and its taking some time for him to get back to me which is fair enough.  Meantime the agent has sent me an email thinking all is well.  Do I want to make an offer for some other items of the seller.  I feel I have already been very generous in my offer.  I want this time to have my own things as last time I took somethings that quickly broke down and were just inconvenient for the seller’s to move.  And its likely I am pulling out and I am wracked with guilt.

Meantime pottering around in my garden I quickly got overwhelmed by it all again.  Wouldn’t you be better off in a more modern place that is newer?  A sensible inner voice says to me.  Urrgghh?  I have visions of being buried under an old dinosaur though a close friend has offered to help me by coming up and working on the house, but it still feels like I am taking the harder way out.  And winter is coming and this house is cold.  These are the cold hard facts I have to remember when I get carried away by romantic notions of my place and yet last night when I finally new I had professional support I was relieved.  I looked at my funky old kitchen and breathed a big sigh of contentment.

I guess its only natural I am going to second guess myself over this decision again and again.  Deciding to break a contract with penalties is not easy.  I don’t know yet how costly it will be.  Part of me just thinks I am being a ninny not moving forward.  I have to post all this in a blog just to get it out there.  I don’t expect any answers from outside and I need to find a way to sit with anxiety I am currently feeling without getting spun out or reacting as that will only make things worse.  I am terrified of making the wrong decision and really regretting not moving on.   There is a lightness to the new place despite the things it doesn’t have.  And maybe I am not seeing everything realistically.