Pain, pain, pain

My head is screaming with pain today.  The appointment to have my old bridge removed was okay in that I managed to work my way through both the needles and then an hour of sawing and clamping but then the shock came.  “So how long til I get my permanent bridge?” I asked hopefully.  “Well I have some bad news”, the prothodondist said to me.  “You have a huge crack in one of your teeth we won’t be able to give you a permanent bridge”.  So I have just had perfectly fine bridge removed (albeit with one broken piece) with teeth that could chew that cost over 10,000 dollars and now I have a painful temporary bridge glued in that I am stuck with until the tooth is removed and then I get a denture.  I cant chew probably, my head feels like a sledgehammer and there is no way back.  NOT HAPPY SUNNY NOT HAPPY AT ALL.  FUCKING ANGRY ACTUALLY.

I stayed calm with the dentist, no need to shoot the messenger. I could have pottered on with the other bridge and no one would have known. Its a matter of time before the tooth gets infected.  But she cant tell me how long, so why can I not have my permanent bridge.  Fear of litigation, apparently.  WTF????

Today the pipe burst on my washing machine.  Stay calm.  Turn the water off at the mains.  Get Jasper to the park.  Get home then call the plumber and don’t panic!!! My head is still aching.   The lesson I am learning is I have the pain but I cannot stop the pain by not doing anything, by not living.  Last night after tossing and turning unable to sleep I burst into to tears remembering back to 2010 when I had my lovely new bridge and then was pulled to meet my partner due to his agenda at a time I was still not really well from all the trauma  of ongoing appointments.  How one night he raged at me because I had retreated to the bathroom so as not to wake him as he would fly into a rage if I did.  Cowering there I got a blast anyway.   Anger, pain, frustration, stuck why didn’t I get away?  Why did I stay? Why did I just suck it up?  Passive, absorbent thought I had to cop it FUUUUCCCKKKK!!!

I cannot blame my ex.  I have to put the responsibility on me, on my lack of self care, on my lack of good boundaries, on my failure to take care of myself due to my longing to not be in pain when I was and needed to take care of myself in the midst of the pain.

There are lessons here.  Yesterday a voice told me to be wary of the treatment. I was listening to a programme on how important it is for us to listen to our own body and become our own medical expert.  Yes, I still would have had the crack in my tooth and now I am not better off but far worse off.  And now its too late to go back.  I have to wear it. Sun moves towards Chiron, pain in my head, my skin is burning, every single hair on fire.  No way out.

All I can do today is share the pain, share the frustration. There is no one to care for me I have to care for me as we all do.  I just find it so hard to accept painful decision I make which ended up in more pain for me.  Pain, pain, pain.  I am sick to fucking death of it.  This is not a positive post it can only be a truthful post about how it is for me today.  I will keep living though with the pain.  I have no other choice.