So sad : reflections on feeling like we don’t belong

I feel so sad when I hear of all the lost lonely souls on here (and this includes me a times) saying how they feel they do not belong.  I know the beauty of each one or your souls, I feel I know a similar feeling of being an alien or a stranger in a world that is more devoted to pretence at times.  Surely not everyone is acting from pretence,  most people appear to be comfortable in their own skins.

The other day at the dog park I arrived to see a large group of people and dogs all milling around and chatting happily together and immediately my ‘I don’t belong here and will be rejected’ schema came into operation, so I gave the group a wide berth.  I also wanted to keep moving to help with the stuckness I experience in my body especially when I feel pinned into place by others strength and power overwhelming to me at times and so Jasper and I passed by after saying hello and went into the bigger dog park.  Eventually we came back to hover on the edge of the group, unacknowledged.  During all of this a lot of conversation was going on in my head things such as ‘I feel so different’, ‘today I am going through deep feelings that don’t have a place here’ and ‘well I just must be a narcissist if I cant just chat happily with others and instead and run all of this inner self obsession!’ amongst many other thoughts.

Eventually a woman I have met from time to time approached me to say hello. “How was your Christmas? she asked me.  I was very honest about how I really struggle at this time of year with the issues from the past.  I told her I am getting help with my problems and of course I was told by her what a great thing she thought that was.

“I hope you can remember to be positive about where you are at,” she said.  “You know I may look like I feel strong and confident in myself but often I struggle too with a lot of insecurities.” She then went on to tell me many things about her relationship with her mother who never accepts her as she is and always projects perfectionism on her.  I realised after this conversation that so many people struggle, they just don’t often take the risk to appear vulnerable or talk about it.

This week I reached a deeper insight into me and my mind.  I saw how my ego thinking mind is always trying to keep me separate, telling me stories that often aren’t true.  I have felt the fear I feel at opening up.

At the same time I have been struggling with anger towards my sister who spoke ill of me behind my back to one of my favourite nephews three years ago and tried to deny it when I confronted her.  I was thinking of how I stuck around many times after she was subtly or not so subtly emotionally abusive or dismissive to me and I felt great anger that I had not had the strength to set a firmer boundary and instead collapsed it again with this impacting my body over and over.  Sometimes the things my head tells me about unsafe others is correct and has a real influence and deep reason from the past, many times I have trusted those who just aren’t that caring or trustworthy but this isn’t true of everyone.

What I am coming to understand it that out there in society there are people at all states and stages of consciousness.  Some of them are shut down and not as aware of things, they have often not known the abuse, rejection, ostracisism or suffering many that me and many other bloggers have.  They will often not understand the depth of that suffering.  But there are out there too those who are aware and awakening and who are interested and care, they may also struggle with feelings of being accepted for who they truly are and belonging.

The dark night of the soul experience which is another name for depression is hard but I firmly believe its not totally pathological.  The state of the world now is that for thousands and thousands of years humankind has split off from nature and from the deeper self inside.  Those of us who suffer the dark night are actually going through a painful process of awakening.  We get into trouble when we try to compare our wounded insides with the projections of others outside who seem to be okay.

Admitting and opening to our suffering takes courage.  Its deep work to confront our pain rather than deny and project it as narcissists do (and that can include us all at times).

The last thing we need to do when going through all of this is criticise and judge and shame ourselves more.  We need our own compassion and love.  We need to know that we do belong, that our authentic being is valuable even if it makes us different and we feel so desperately alone at times.  And perhaps many of us, most particularly those of us who have taken on, identified with or had projected on us the scapegoat role in our family or other groups are actually just the ugly ducklings not knowing we are really just baby swans, who have not yet found our true family or community, a place where we truly will be loved for who we truly are deep inside, wounds, beauty, strength, grit, insecurities, fears, hopes, dreams, joy and abject despair.  So this blog today is a plea from me to you, embrace your wounded self, love your inner child and know that you do belong somewhere, you really, really do. You belong to yourself.