Love or fear and anger?

I got into bed at 8 tonight and slept for 2 and a half hours only to be awake now 2 hours later than this.  I could get a bit perturbed about it but I just checked out the reader and read two really inspiring posts, one about love and fear and the other about keeping an attitude of love and acceptance towards those who have abandoned us and to be honest I feel I needed to be awake to read these posts as I have noticed that reactions of anger and fear have been very close to the surface for me over the past week or so.

I am keeping up a distance from my family at the moment.  I am running a script over and over about hurts from the past, things that were done that are hard to let go of.  Today I kept a distance up from them to have some alone time which I guess I sorely needed but at the same time I was missing them too and moving against an old pattern of always being there.  I got quiet teary on the phone with my Mum when I was explaining the need I have at the moment to practice some self containment and self care.  I was glad to be able tonight to acknowledge how tired I felt, how disinterested in television and just get into bed and let myself rest, the two hours sleep I did get has refreshed me and I know its best not to fight it when I am having trouble getting back to sleep, its better for my anxiety and PTSD if I get myself up and do something like reading or writing.

Anyway back to the love versus fear question.  Lately I am feeling myself drawn towards the Course in Miracles idea of how the ego in us can operate and then work to Ease God Out of our lives.  I am beginning to notice both in myself and others how it can run a never ending monologue of fear, distrust, avoidance and gloom and project it onto everything around of us including ourselves.  It doesn’t want to let go of injuries, it feels anger when it isn’t fed in the way it needs to be by others, and then it gets all pouty and distancing with everyone and I don’t know about you but when I feel like this I am not travelling well inside myself and need to get back to something that feels like love which for me is the soft greenery of nature or my dog.  But sadly tonight I even got in a strop with poor old Jasper for hovering around all the time wanting any morsel of food.  I shouted at him and locked him outside and he sat looking at me through the glass of the French doors that lead onto my deck with a mixture of confusion, bewilderment and sadness.

Despite that I didn’t even feel my usual remorse.  But I just thought ‘wow you are a bit of a sad, angry bitch tonight, Debs’ but maybe even that thought wasn’t fair as I revolve a lot of my day around taking care of Jasper at times and then can start to get  a bit miffed when he is always wanting something more, but that is dogs for you.

Love or fear.  I am beginning to see that fear adopts a lot of other disguises. I was listening to Coldplay’s first album the other night for the first time in ages and the following line from one of their songs stood out for me

I cannot sleep from fear

I thought of the sleeplessness that now plagues much of society of how steeped in fear we are, its projected every night on the news, we see it playing out in so many of the dramas we watch together with violence, anger and hatred.  Where in all of this is the love we so sorely need. It seems to me to be more and more essential to find ways to steep ourselves in love everyday rather than bathe in the fear ocean that increasingly seems to dominate the collective.

Around Christmas time which is always painful I began especially mindful of what I was watching.  I knew as it was a time I struggle I needed to self sooth by watching shows that brought some love and lightness into my world.  Watching these movies really helped, as did just spending quiet, gentle time with others.  But I am also aware at these deeply sensitive times of how I can withdraw when really what I am needing is soft, gentle companionship but perhaps that is what I am trying to find within myself.

Anyway these are just some of my reflections tonight. In a few moments I’ll go back to bed and settle myself down.  I think inwardly there is a lot of deep processing that has gone on for me over the past month concerning patterns of separation, loss and sadness stretching way back.  It has felt like things are being stirred up like the mud at the bottom of the lake but resting on the surface I am also aware that I can see a little Lotus flower starting to bloom and my thought is that maybe all of these bad things happened to remind me how essential love and connection is.  I think of the last painful separation which took place 6 years ago with my past partner.  I think of the part our own wounded egos played in that, I see how the ability to love and have compassion for each other was blocked by fear and anger at times.  It seems to be  lesson at the moment.  Fear or love which will I choose?  Only one thing is certain the nature of my choice will dictate the consequences that come to pass in my life.  It is something to be aware of tonight as I lay myself back down to sleep.