Triggered by waiting

I have felt like a huge force inside me is building and about to explode over past days.  I have had a busy time at a very triggering time of year littered with imprints of loss and separation.  This period 8 Jan to 8 Feb was the time of year just after my father died, I was told by my first now ex boyfriend to abort my plan to meet him in India and make other plans, he had met someone else, did not love me.  Abrupt end of 4 am telephone conversation.

Two losses is such rapid succession left me so undone and there was absolutely NO emotional support from family.  I was told just to get on the plane and go to Europe all on my own which I did, needing something so different and having to bury that need because there was FUCK ALL emotional outlet.  In the previous two years I had had two terminations of pregnancy to this guy, both of which I hid from everyone apart from one girlfriend.   Just after my father died and I was back at home for a short while to save money prior to going overseas my mother read my diaries and confronted me about them and not in a good way.  I remember at the time there was a little mouse in the house and I had to be the one to set the trap as Dad was gone and then dispose of the little mouse body.  This theme re-occurred when my husband left me 19 years later without much notice and the panic attacks and broken sleep pattern started, then difficulty breathing, not being able to stay asleep, difficulty getting to sleep, breathlessness, heart symptoms.

Today I made an appointment to go to the Chiropractor due to the  build up.  I had a busy morning as the gardener was due at 9 am and he is always a little late, there was so much to do in the garden and I was anxious to get there right on 11.  Only to be left waiting for 15 minutes.  I know many people reading this will think that wasn’t long and it isn’t I guess for those of you without PTSD.   I was close to tears throughout the 15 minutes trying to concentrate just on breathing instead of thinking but them being triggered with numerous imprints of waiting for painful procedures, prior to my breast cancer surgery this year I was left waiting in the holding bay for an hour and half all alone while everyone wheeled in later was put in before me.  Then they kept me conscious even while being wheeled into the theatre and then made me climb onto the operating table myself.  I am outraged while even writing this. Surely they should have provided me more protection than this.

Anyway after 12 minutes I left the waiting room of the Chiropractor to get tissues from the car as I was crying so much and then after 5 more minutes I made the decision to get up and leave.  I wasn’t over the top with them, just told the receptionist I was leaving as I was being triggered too much.  I got out to the car in floods of tears and rang my therapist.

I was not entirely sure if what I did was necessary self care and self protection.  I am holding some intense emotions that I need to release and its so hard to find ways to release them.  Sometimes they are so intense I am terrified that they are going to kill me.

While typing this I am also aware that writing about them is not really experiencing them as per the Presence Process I have been reading about this week which just encourages you to keep awareness on the breath.  I’ve even burnt my lunch in the fury of typing this which probably isn’t a good sign either I thought I turned the griller off and I had it back on high.

Today I am aware that I am not fully inhabiting my body and leaving was not the best thing to have done, everything feels stuck inside me today after just eating lunch.  I am aware I am in a lot of pain at times and I can make that pain worse by the things I tell myself and by moving away instead of moving towards.  On an astrological note due to all my planets being ruled by Uranus, the planet of spinning the opposite way I have began to see this week that that is what I do as a reaction to feeling scared or fearful and it can be so counterproductive.

I am thinking while writing this of the three As I learned in Al Anon.

First A = Awareness, we have to become aware of what we do before we can grown.

Second A = Acceptance.  Our acceptance of what we find when we embrace it with awareness means we open to receive the lesson or teaching no matter how painful.

Third A = Action

Once I have the first two As in place I am in a better place to take the necessary and appropriate action.  Today I am at the first A, becoming aware of how I react when triggered.  Maybe I need to learn the Buddhist practice outlined by Buddhist Nun, Pema Chodron in her books that of staying with what is happening.  This means for me the charge builds and builds until it bursts forth and then change and action can come but not before if its just reactive?  These are just some reflections that I have had today on the way I am triggered by waiting and how I can run and seek a safe space.  I feel better when I can be calm and grounded though by being endlessly re-triggered, maybe that is practicing self care.  What do you think?