Pushing myself

I am a bit dismayed with myself and progress at the moment.  I don’t seem to have been able to just sit still and stop over the past few days much.  Apart from five minutes down by the lake to watch the baby ducks, swans and seagulls I seem to be just pushing myself to do and clean and get everything sorted and the relaxation I started to feel on Christmas day has disappeared and I am aware that there is a lot of anxiety around the way I am being today.  I feel like my head is going to burst and in the midst of all of this is a heap of self judgement and beat up going on. Busy, busy, busy in my mind with thoughts that don’t stop, white noise that doesn’t add any benefit.  As opposed to sitting calmly by the lake saying to myself words like, peace, serenity, openness, calm which then tended to bring me into a state of soothing.

I wish I had something more positive to share today.  Leading up to the anniversary of this time of year seems to be affecting me from an underground place and I could be tempted to paint things in a brighter light.  On the other hand I hand I am not sad, but I am feeling very weary especially when I look back to the way that things have been over the past 5 years since I returned ‘home’.     So I think I need to be more stringent about staying focused in the present and reaching for positive things.

I have been reconnected with two people around me who have a lot of issues and complaints over the past few weeks.  I know I need to keep a distance as I am a good listener but the point comes when others stuff gets dumped into me and I just feel like screaming and last night I would have preferred to relax and watch a programme than have to listen for an hour to a friend’s ongoing angst as to how his partner abuses him.  I wish he would leave, I wish he would get away but its not my place to say.  I can only remind him its so important for us to be stringent about self care.   Today I had to say to this woman at the park “I’m sorry this is too much I need to move” and then I walked to a peaceful place in the park.  I had to let go of her reaction.  I don’t think she really knew what was going on but she talks and talks and talks and doesn’t draw breath.  I cannot cope with that when I am not in a relaxed place myself.

So I am sorry today not a lot of positive things.  But I just made myself a healthy lunch after further time at the park.  Now I think I just need to relax before returning to therapy this afternoon which I would prefer to miss to be honest, just to be able to let go.  This year I want to live in NOW.  I really, really, really do.