This is going to be a post where the title belies the message. I am currently feeling more and more the consequences of strong feelings being difficult to express. As i expressed it with my therapist today with my family strong emotion is buried down under layers, everyone acts proper, and the hidden emotion lurks under the table rumbling like a silent storm no one really hears or addresses.
I meet a brick wall when feelings come up or a deafening silence echoing along the chamber of vacant dread in a wall of buried sound no one has the power to decipher. Behind the wall, the dam they build, against me I drown at times, with no place for feeling to flow. And then I am not fully conscious but part of me is walking on eggshells scared to release and be. Its fallen to a bodily level with me for years i get these attacks where it feels as though I am being squeezed and the the squeeze lets go and I am twisted or unfurling like a taught garden hose with too much water trying to move through a kink.
Its getting so I can only spend very limited periods in this stitched up place any more. I managed to meet with my brother on Tuesday only by making sure I could limit tbe time spent and grateful I had therapy afterward wbere I could make sense of it all and unravel. Therapy is a totally safe space where I can swear and be angry as I need to be and sad as I need to be..the wholeness of me is allowed expression with no limits. Its taken years to find this place.
Today I told my sister I possibly wont ‘do’ Christmas lunch at the hotel, all the dress up to gorge on food on a day I’d rather hang loose with my dog at home and eat a nice salad, maybe go for a swim. I do the dressing up thing and its not me, my therapist says it comes out of needing to connect in places and with people where its difficult for them to meet me in my world. I’ve spent a lifetime pulled into others worlds and a family drama that had bugger all to do with me. I’m fucking over it people..ooooh did I just dare to swear..yes I bloody did. ☺
I’lI end this with a big thank you to another blogster who just replied to a comment where I was expressing strong feeling “swearing is good..it shows you mean it”. Yes let me breath, let me express, stop dissing my feeling.
Emerging From The Dark Night 
I am not able to be around my family and have made the choice not to be. Their energies are mostly heavy and dark. I have worked for decades to walk away from the dysfunction and lighten my spirit. Doing so, I refuse to allow anyone, including my family, to hurt me or effect me negatively. Family I am referring to includes in-laws. You have a right to your own life, and if you are willing to do the work, are able to discover the life you are meant to have. ❤
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Yes I can see that is the only way really…the best way to live true to yourself. Thank you for sharing your experience. ❤
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Love this. I especially relate to having a family who acts very proper but has heavy emotions buried deep. My struggle during the holidays is to stay true to all
I’ve learned and not fall back into familiar patterns.
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How do your family respond to you Viv if and when you express emotion…Do you feel you carry a lot of it? Can you still manage to connect or is that also very hard? I wish you all the very best..thanks for commenting.
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Hmmm. Good question. It depends. My mom has always made negative comments about how overly emotional I am. In the past those types of remarks made me angry and I would explode (in other words, then I would further emote) which was not good and made me look irrational and unhinged. I have learned to control those extreme outbursts but at times I’ve gone in the other direction & shut down completely in her presence. Now I typically go with a backup plan — I hike or play tennis and limit how long I’m around my mom. I also play the guitar and write, so the trick is being with her but limiting certain topics, or rather limiting conversation and in general.
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And to answer your question: at times I feel I can connect…other times not so much.
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Yes Viv that all resonates for me too, trying to maintain some contact but keep good boundaries…once we kmiw what we are dealing with and how it can affect us we can take steps for self care.
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