Many of us may have been on the receiving ends of personal attacks. When we are attacked our first response is to defend or to deflect, it is almost as if a shutter goes up automatically inside us that wants to prevent the barb or arrow lodging in us too deeply, or we want to throw it back and hurt and wound the one who has hurt us. Others of us have no defences or armour against attacks to our self or soul. The barb or arrow lodges deep inside of us and makes us bleed, then we can get too attached to the bleeding, it feels as though nothing can stem the flow. We may then wallow in a pool of blood, rather than just let it flow out and let go, the blood from this attack may pool with that of other wounds and before we know it we are drowning in blood.
Often that kind of attack comes from someone who saw something in us which opened up a fear inside of them of something they felt, were trying to run from, deflect or deny. There was really nothing wrong with us in the first place, instead we may have had something right with us. In this situation to allow ourselves to hurt endlessly and to get too attached to the other person’s wrongness in this situation is counterproductive. Ideally the arrow should not have lodged inside us too deeply. If we could understand, ‘wow this person feels threatened or insecure, they have a soft vulnerable place inside of them that they don’t want to feel or admit to so they are going to deny, attack, push out hurt, deflect or run what they really deserve is compassion. I will pull this arrow out and not let it hurt me any more.’ But how many of us really can do this? Can we recognise the place of pain in the other that they have passed on to us. Hurt people, hurt people. Can we let go of our own pain (and here I am not talking about denial but about a conscious choice not to let the hurting go on and on and on endlessly) and realise the pain and ignorance they must live in to act this way?
Coming out of a wounded place, lacking the capacity to sit with and contain or touch base with or feel our own personal wounds and pain we wittingly or unwittingly pass them on. Wounds get enacted by parents then passed onto children who then internalise these wounds or in barricading their hearts defend against the wounded hurting place and pass it on. If the hurt stays deep inside it turns to a soul anguish and a deep cry of pain that may even manifest in disease or suicidal depression or actual suicide. Lots of work is required to see and feel and understand the hurting places and wounds which are affecting us and can only be healed with self love, compassion, insight and understanding birthed over time and with the right support.
When our own raw, sore spot is triggered what can we do? Can we acknowledge our pain and tend to it with the kind of love that we would give to a small child who has hurt themselves or to a defenceless animal that has a thorn lodged in its paw? Can we also be tough and brave when that is called for and let things slide when reacting would just add more hurt to an already painful situation? Can we stand up firmly with love and say ‘that hurt’ willing to accept whether or not our protest is heard or accepted we still had a right to speak it?
Can we also accept that some pain and vulnerability are a part of life? What do we tell ourselves when we are in pain, sad or angry? Do we tell ourselves we should not feel this way? Can we embrace these feelings knowing they will help us know ourselves and others more fully, more deeply? On the other hand do we add fuel to the fire of painful defensive feelings, feeding our anger endlessly, for example when putting it aside, taking some corrective action to address the issue or letting go of our tight grip would be the best course to take?
I heard an interesting interview with a fashion designer from a Muslim country who had suffered abuse due to the patriarchal culture against women there. She said “rather than sit around and cry all day I choose to take action and use the anger and sadness I feel, I put it into my work”. It made me realise that there comes a time when sitting around and crying all the time is not always the best way forward. By all means we need to shed the tears we need to shed, but there is also a time to take action, to re-embrace life, rather than stay stuck endlessly in pain recycling it over and over again.
I do believe that part of the complex healing process does involve going over and over in our minds and hearts pain and wounds from the pat, but there is also a time of release, when a natural letting go of the pain comes. At this point in our recovery we may begin to see that the pain served some kind of purpose, that what we suffered was due to the playing out of many unconscious forces in our own lives and the lives of others which led us onto a healing pathway along which we have been able to learn so much and connect more deeply with others. From this vantage point our wound may even feel like some kind of blessing for without it would we have deepened as much into our soul?
There is a powerful place of softness and vulnerability inside, that when we touch base with it actually gives us a very powerful suppleness and strength. It gives us the courage to come out from behind our pain and defences and use them as learnings to help others, reach out and embrace life with compassion and tenderness.
In the very early stages of my recovery, just after I had aborted my first attempt at therapy out of fear a good friend gave me a beautiful card she had made with a butterfly on it and these words. I will never forget them.
To appear strong
Is to hide behind a rickety scaffold of denial
But to be vulnerable
Is to be invincible
Emerging From The Dark Night 