The hidden cost of loneliness and isolation

Having experienced a lot of loneliness in my life, and having chosen to retreat and restrict contact with others after a huge trauma and loss, I know the impact long periods of being alone and disconnected can have.  The loneliness I am speaking of here is different to solitude which can be a chosen alone time for the purpose of reconnecting inwardly with ourselves.  In this post I am speaking more of the lonely isolation that can dog us following the end of painful relationships or as a result of other compounding traumas which cause us to lose our faith in human nature.

When our hearts and souls have been brutalised or traumatised it can be so hard to trust. If we had dysfunctional childhoods we may never have known what relationships are healthy.  We may have absorbed the  idea that there is something wrong with us, or we may lack relationships skills.

We may have, in extreme circumstances, developed complex defences and fears which cause us to remain disconnected even from ourselves, but most especially from others. We may be so deeply lonely and not even know it.  And we may in our isolation blame ouselves and this cements our disconnection and isolation.

When I was in early recovery from addiction I was told to try to become aware of when I was hungry, angry, lonely or tired.  As an addict I developed a poor relationship with self regulation and self care.  I was advised when feeling lonely to reach out.  But I was scared to, at times. The truth was when I did reach out to the right people, I felt much better.

Spending too much time alone can make us more susceptible to the negative voices in our heads, the negative feedback loop of criticism we may have absorbed and internalised.  In 12 steps groups there was a saying “my head can be a dangerous neighbourhood, I’ve learned that I’m best not to go there alone”.  Certainly this can change over time, but the truth is the more closed and defensive we become the more distorted our thinking can become at times and the more we can be held hostage by the inner and outer critic.

According to therapist Guy Winch there is also a stigma those of us who suffer from loneliness are vulnerable to :

Over 40 percent of adults will suffer from loneliness in their life time and virtually all of them will think poorly of themselves because of it.  Indeed, one of the more significant emotional wounds loneliness creates is that it leads us to develop inaccurate perceptions of ourselves as well as of others and to take too harsh a view of our existence.

Once our perception becomes distorted it is harder to reach out, most especially if some kind of trauma or loss has been an instigating factor in setting our loneliness pattern in place. We may become driven into self protection and avoidance.

If we have come out of an abusive relationship it is important we find some way to connect with others and undo the negative prophecies introjected or projected into us by our abuser which only grow worse when we are isolated and may lead to a deep intractable even suicidal depression.

We need the support of others who understand so we can heal and we need to learn to trust those who will help us battle those forces of negativity, doom and pessimism that can overtake us when our souls have been injured.

When we become victim of toxic loneliness we tend to become passive when we really need to take action so we are not forever trapped in a victim role or script.  We may have been victimised but this doesn’t have to become our fate.

In my own situation blogging has been helpful, a good therapist essential, but I now know I need more than this.  I think for years on some level I denied my need for other people due to the hurts I had suffered, I seemed to be left and alone so often I now see that I chose this unconsciously so that I would not be hurt again, but in staying alone too much I hurt myself more.

And in my aloneness the hurts others seemed to have inflicted on me grew.   Therapy has helped me see this pattern.  How lonely my older childhood became and how apart I felt in an older family who seemed constantly preoccupied with outside practicalities rather than inner emotional realities.

Facing the pain of this aloneness has been essential for me and today I am beginning to see the role my own head can play in perpetuating it.  Having the courage to open up and be vulnerable has been scary but brought good rewards.

At times during my nephew’s recent visit old memories and childhood pain was triggered. I was able to recognise it and take myself off alone for a time to figure out and connect the feelings and triggers and then return to connect.  At times I was flooded with pain and sadness but it was all for a healing purpose.  I was able to connect old deep pain with present triggers and talk about it, and on the final night my nephew touched his own pain over his Mum’s cerebral bleed and psychotic break all those years ago, he was able to share about her addiction too. And I could hug him gently as he felt it so he knew he was not alone.

All this would not have been possible with out trust developed over the past 4 years of fledgling attempts to open and reconnect.   Aloneness, separation, disconnection, all healing, for to heal we need each other.  Our earliest, deepest wounds occur in relationship.  In isolation we can heal nothing and in pathological loneliness we do our souls and bodies lots of damage.