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The black wave

imagesCAU9EUM1

Just when I thought I could float again

relax my body and allow the water to hold me

a huge black wave came

and pulled me down

was this what was

prefigured by the dream

in which

I am leaning in to be supported

you show me a chapter

“the terrible nightmare”

your hand reaches in

and twists my insides

I am sucked down deep by this force

I have known before

surrounded by doom

being held down

I can barely breathe

Presentience?

A week later I am skewed

on the radiographer’s bench

with the needle going into my left breast

four times

while you hold my hand

to perform the biopsy

All I can cry silently is this

“please no more pain”

later you are pressing down

very heavily on my left breast

What is it in the soul that knows

that senses the black wave coming

that heralds a portent?

We cannot know what it means

until it arrives

and tumbles us over

and when it feels as though

we will never rise again

we resurface

seeing that the landscape

has been permanently changed

as more of our innocence

and intellectual defences

have been washed away

Today it seems

I have travelled so deep

into old sadness

down so very deep

into King Neptune’s domain

and yet somehow

as a result of my travails

within this dark sea kingdom

light has returned

and the tears I have shed

have washed the soot from my soul

Tonight we held each other

And you said

“You are not alone”

I sense all around me now

 this love

I felt it in the way you held my hand

in the food and comfort you offered me

I know that I will find the courage to face this

if you are there

maybe I am not all alone

and maybe this latest trial

is occurring

so that the distance

created between us

in times past

by a lack of understanding

can be bridged

I hold you as I cry

while I await

the scary diagnosis

within this waiting

I feel all the echoes

of those other times

I had to wait

firstly to be born

secondly to endure pain

while death loomed in the shadows

its ghostly presence

casting a dark spell

of all those times

I wanted to stay

being forced

or forcing myself to leave

to travel so far away

thinking I had to do it alone

replaying a pattern

so far from consciousness

Now

I am aware of the grief we share

and never spoke of

whose full awful truth

kept us apart

for years

this grief we have known

is beyond words

is only known

silently in our hearts

Maybe this black wave

was the necessary agent

of transformation

which had deep work to do

and that work is far from over

but maybe, just maybe

now, the fear of loving

of loosing

of hurting

is less

for in facing it

in speaking it

in sharing it

we silently watch

 the black wave

recede

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Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

Categories Cancer, Dark Night of the Soul, Family Trauma, Grief and Loss, Healing Grief and Loss, Love, Poems, Transformation22 Comments

22 thoughts on “The black wave”

  1. beautifully articulated! I am familiar with this ‘black wave’ I feel I am there today, triggered by interactions with a friend, a sleepless night and the stress of all I have to still do. Your post helped me feel less alone.Thank you

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  4. I understand this poem. Being blind, I cannot work out who wrote it as I saw it had been reblogged somewhere. Is this the reblog? Is this your poem Emerging, or is it someine else’s. I am in the most TERRIBLE Dark Night. Yet, paradoxically, I have great joy. It us weird. The darkness and pain engulfs me terribly today, and I long to write my heart – my grief and my pain, but people run away when you do that! So I don’t write it, but on my Blog I have just written about my heart, and how I need to write ALL of it, not just the nice bits. The shining bits. Yes, I had cancer too. Diagnised in 2013, at advanced stage and I nearly died – the chemo left me blind, wheelchair bound, with no feeling in my hands and feet, lungs that cannot breathe well, and a malignant narcissist for a mother, who gets in now, she is 93 though, with emphysema, and wikl die soon. I am in a dark dark place, with an aching heart.

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    1. Oh my God nooo….. that is so so so hard. I want to just give you a hug. Yes it was my poem. Not to get love from a mother leaves such wounds in our body and soul. I refused chemotherapy… I cried so hard at the pre appointment they could not do anything at all. I have other ideas about cancer now I think we get sick due to lack of love and nurture. I am here for you email me any time. deborahallin@hotmail.com. You should not be going through this alone. ❤ ❤ ❤

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      1. Thank you so much Deborah. You are so kind, your poem impressed me so much. I related to it so strongly. Are you clear of cancer now?

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  5. I clicked on Dend by accident lol. Your poem is brilliant Deborah. It brought it all back to me. You were not afraid to write your pain about it, and your fear. I admire that SO much. I have discovered, on my own Blog, that if I write anything like that, it does not go down too well, or I receive patronising comments. I write poetry, which is well received, as king as I don’t write raw pain. And yet pain is partnofnlife.

    Oh Deborah, I remember it well. The biopsy, a d EVERYTHING. Mine was Hodgkins Lymphoma, a blood cancer, but it produced tumours (big ones) all over my body. It was a shock. I thought I had go e to the hospital jus for them to find the right antibiotics of an infection. So yes, the shock!

    Thankyou so much Deborah. You are so kind. Hugs to you xo

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      1. Thankyou so much Deborah. But regarding my writing, it is only when I write the PAIN in. Its honesty and raw ess that people run away. But my Blog is very well received, and I have had many wonderful things said to me. It is just that I cannot write in FULL honesty what I am feeling. It has been intense grief just lately – over my mother who may die soon, and over what I havenlost because of my ohysical state. But yet, there are gems to be found in this darkness. In many ways I am glad that I have had what I have had, and for what I have now, in spuritual terms. The only thing I TRULY grapple with is my malignant narcissistuc mother who came back into my lufe again through my cancer. And now SHE is sick, elderly, difficult, playing games, and dying soon possibly. Yet somewhere, deep inside her, I think there IS love, but I never know if it is real or just a game she plays! Thankyou so much for your interaction with me. Much much love to you x

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      2. Some people sadly dont have nurturing love to give..its very painful grieving also for them..I used to and still can cry when I think about my Mums young life she wasnt nasty or mean but could split off deeply at times and did not seem to realise I needed her in any way…so its been hard for me to need too.

        Anyway I love you can find the gift in your difficulties..they do ipen us to spiritual dimensions and strengthen our inner connection. These are gifts. 🎁

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      3. Thanks Deborah. I will email you later. We have our Cleaning lady here at the moment. Hubby is wheelchair blund too, so we need this lady lol. Talk soon. Xo

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      5. Hi Deborah. My name is Lorraine. It is good to have connected. I didn’t get round to emailing yesterday (it is 6 in the morning here now) as we had to go out, then eat, and by then I was tired, but I promise Iwill enail you. Thankyou so much for chatting with me. If you want to read my Blog just click on my name. I write poetry mainly. But also limericks and some humour. A but of everything really. Talk very soon. Xo

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      7. Oh lol I am just waking up. A bit bleary eyed. I do want to email, to explain more about my mother, who is plaguing my life, but life took over yesterday. Lol

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  6. Lol I just read your Reply that came as I was finishing my reply to you! I do hope that you remain healthy. Cancer is SUCH a shock. I know that breast cancer can come back. Mine can too. But we luve with that don’t we!

    As for the Dark Night of the Soul – WOW, it doesn’t half hit you. But, like you, I can say good came from what has happened to me. But that is another story!

    I will email you Deborah. Thankyou so much. I would love to talk about the Dark Night of the Soul. It is my path, but I do keep getting waylaid from it! These past few weeks have been bad because of my mother, and because of my priest at my church, but thise are other stories. I know that for me, my path is my own, and that keeps me going, though I do collapse sometimes. Much love to you Deborah. And hugs. Xx

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    1. Its only natural to collapse when there is so much to deal with I will keep an eye out for your mail.… we need to find those to live in the light with too though God knows collectively we are undergoing a dark night just some wont recognise it 🙂

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