
Sometimes it seems
I only know how to be alone
it seems I have been alone so long
that now it is hard
to open the door and let you in
especially when I am hurting
when what I most need
is your love and tenderness
I am beginning to see
that inside is a small child
who learned to survive by being alone
by dissociating
by taking herself off
and learning to deal with things alone
and certainly there is a strength in this
but it is also very human
to feel frail at times
to need support
to find it all a bit too much
to cope with alone
and there is no shame in that
so now when I am facing something
that is very frightening
might I ask you just to sit with me
and hold my hand?
I can hold my own hand
it is true
but there is a very human comfort to be found in this
this gentle reaching out
with your hand to my hand
in a time of pain and stress
so please let us reach
over this at times seemingly
impenetrable divide
to find the place
of togetherness and love
and watch the walls
come tumbling down
for the loneliness and separation
we are healing
goes a long way back
and the wound we carry is the same
in being there for each other
we are healing the wound
together
This is beautiful. I can relate very deeply to this tension between doing things on my own and allowing others in. i am so used to coping with the worst things alone that I find it hard to ask for and accept help yet there are times when I know I really need it. A deep part of me maybe feels like I will not get it or deserve it so to avoid crushing disappointment I rely on myself and shut people out. It’s a fine balance to achieve that independence with the support of others. For me it has always been all or nothing so that I thought it was either I do it all alone or others do it all for me. Now I am seeing that it is a very grey area and I CAN make the big decisions and be independent yet still accept the unconditional support of healthy people who care for and love me. I know very well how to be alone, it’s being with people that is so hard and I know it’s not my fault, that the trauma I suffered is a cause of that.
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Yes I do relate alot to those feelings I also think that when we are quite attuned and sensitive being alone is a more natural state if early in life harsh edges rubbed up against us and in solitude and quietness there is a peace. But to connect, to reach out is so natural. If as a child we look or reach out and no one is there we have to turn back on ourselves. We need a relationship with ourselves but we also have a human need to connect and be supported. It’s so hard to not have had that at critical times and to have lost faith in being vulnerable and asking.
At the moment I need support…it hurts when it doesnt come and opens my heart in deep love when it does, touching a soft, raw, tender place inside.
Thank you for sharing with me. I hope you are coping with your move..thinking of you.
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I hope that you know I am here for you when you need support. Only an email away if ever you need to, but having someone face to face is quite different to across the airwaves on the internet I know.
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Thank you…even though I cant see you I feel connected to you…but its so kind of you to be there…i know you understand ♡♡
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Reblogged this on Emerging From The Dark Night and commented:
Sometimes we need a hand. This was written when I was facing breast cancer last year.
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