Several weeks ago I wrote the following blog. It was coming from a raw place of dis- appointment. Hopes I had that I had appointed on high tumbled down and I shared about this in a blog the other day on reactivity to a hurt. Re-reading this today, I am going to post it as it shows some deeper things I struggled with and some insights that came that my inner critic wanted to censor:
I am thinking that isolation from human love and care must be the thing that drives the whole world and people mad. I reached out again and then I found the pull back because reaching out is fraught with danger when people are there who may use and abuse you. Then the person I reached out to, who could not empathise with my dilemma, gave me no room for movement, then set the terms and conditions as they must remain and that made me feel two things.
One: so angry : I asked for flexibility and understanding, I shared with you my fear and reluctance, why are you now whipping my butt?.
Two: you hold all the cards, can set the terms and conditions and I am yet again powerless, the only power I have is to feel angry, hurt and sad. (But there is another power. I will find it towards the end of writing this blog.)
This silence grows fraught with these feelings when you give me the silent treatment and in the absence of comfort and support, pain grows. With no way to move out from it, there is no way to shake it off or let it recede. I should be wise to this by now. People without a narcissistic disturbance or control issues would call back or make some kind of contact or at least be negotiable. Perhaps the truth was that my intuition was working since on meeting the stone wall a flood of past pain and abandonment traumas rose up and saturated the landscape and I felt myself to be drowning You quickly erected the barricade because that is probably what therapists do. But if your concern with protecting yourself outweighs your compassion to be there for those you pretend to help, especially those with serious abandonment trauma, how can it work?. Thus we are at an end again.
I am back on my own again. There is the deep void but the silence doesn’t have to be empty : really it is humming with life and energy. What hurts in the silence is the sting of your rejection which costs you nothing and leaves a wound in me. I saw you with the choir sing The Winner Takes It All. I felt my aloneness and isolation I trusted you with the wound, with my grief and pain. The hurt you caused due to insensitivity to my needs and your unwillingness to extend yourself at a time of great grief and need for me made me feel once again like the loser. I know I am not, because everything that happens in this life contains a lesson most especially our wounds, which are ours and maybe rub up against others. Never the less I left that performance crying, I had to cry those tears alone. I did now know you would be there, looking so happy, untainted by any hurt but profiting on others hurt. And the irony of that song was not lost on me.
Pluto today you are casting a dark shadow over the Moon and I feel you in the depth of what I am enduring today. It is an opposition so perhaps a spotlight is being shone on my own mothering issues and inner child; a lot of old painful feelings are rising up to be seen. I feel regressed and young. I see earlier battles for attention resonating, I feel the helplessness of the small child I was, her powerlessness to effect any kind of change. I give attention to this from within. This last encounter is just a projection screen on which older feelings and dynamics are playing out. I watch the movie. I learn the lessons. I sit with my feelings, my reactions and my pain until it transforms into insight.
I feel the resonances here and how generational imprints have carried on in the midst of the collective drama . Moon in Cancer, this is the tender underbelly of need for nurture that got obliterated for my mother’s generation (Pluto in Cancer). War had taken the fathers away from the mothers and the children to a dark place or some were birthed out of the wombs that lived through this trauma. The post traumatic stress and pain of the global conflict left its scars on the fathers which led to abandonment and a struggle to survive that left the young ones low on nurture. They had a driving wish to transform these conditions, but this driving force led to more abandonment trauma. The tender underbelly got covered over with a suit of armour or a business suit, it was not possible to need too much emotionally.
Emotions had to be put aside, one had to be quiet and stoic and not need too much, as there was not a lot of time. The crab protects its soft underbelly so as not to be hurt but the need and feeling doesn’t go away. Now Pluto has gone 180 degrees what flowering of these long ago planted seeding times is taking place.
Today the moon is crossing my Mother’s Pluto and as Pluto Mars opposes it while Uranus squares it I feel the crunch the urges me towards a new transformation. The need for nurture is always there but separation and isolation may have come as a result of wounds that had to be born, or else a runaway train was set in motion that caused a crash and wreckage whose survivors are now in the process of healing. The crab steps sideways and may scuttle away at any opportunity if under threat. It needed to do this to survive. I am now living the consequences of nurturing that failed, left with a wound that led me to the wrong places which left wounds, still trying to heal, be recognised and understood. Its a slow dawning but it is sunnier than before.
No one is coming to save me or heal me, but an inner alchemy is proceeding. I learn a little more after these difficult encounters. I get more of myself back. I am an adult now, but sometimes that little child who lives inside still drives my choices. She seeks outside herself for connection, she asks for help but often her asking echoes into a void and all she hears back is the reverberation. Not always.
Today this wound drove me to two men who can help me talk about the wound, make sense of the wound. These are two men who are looking to own their own wounds, to no longer project them. I thank God for the gift of them in my life. These days I am lucky I do reach out they help me to preserve my sanity at times like this when an accident has yet again left me confined and I have got the slap from someone who like my mother could not, would not attune to my own needs. But I went back and am doubting my sanity yet again.
Pluto took me down but I burned clean and feel clearer for the writing of this. Thank you to the darkness that in time passes teaching me more about my inner depths each time.
Emerging From The Dark Night 