Lately I have been seeing how out of my own emotional neglect, I could also be abandoning. As I dive deeper into the relational issues as well as into how my mother’s behavior affected me, I am also seeing how I pushed love away and often bought a wounded self into relationships. My complaint has often been that my husband and mother did not support my therapy but the truth is I also took myself away from therapy at critical times. They did not find it easy to embrace me in my emotions, but I also took myself away when I could have found a more co-operative way to get the necessary help. In short I often took myself into isolation but I also often felt somehow different, more interested in an inward self reflective path.
Having the compassion for everyone involved is a sign of growth I guess, but at times lately I have been experiencing a lot of fear that at critical times I did not make that necessary move forward. Having self compassion now seems most essential because as I allow myself to rest and relax, the inner critic/punisher/driver gets a bit intense at times. Yesterday I heard it almost screaming at me when I chose to relax and just sit quietly and read a book. And it is interesting as I also met a very good friend for lunch and she was telling me how her partner is really struggling again. He has had ongoing addiction issues and weight issues due to a very problematic relationship with his adoptive mother who was an alcoholic. He also struggles with depression and a very powerful inner critic so I was recommending the work of Louise Hay to my friend. A very good video I watched yesterday is called you are valuable and it is all about learning to overcome that negative inner voice that never sees us as good enough.
The healing of Chiron in Aries involves finding our own inner power, overcoming toxic or codependent patterns in relationship and also ending the blame game. In essence it is about showing up for ourselves, and taking responsibility to heal. It is about coming into a better relationship with our desire, will and Mars energy. Venus and Mars work in tandem we need both, a receptive softer relational part and connection to inner feeling values (Venus) as well as an active more masculine side of us that knows well what it needs and wants and likes and is committed to take the action to achieve those things.
Lately in conversations with both counsellors and friends they have agreed about how tough things were for me for a very long time, but I am also seeing where my own choices at times were not the healthiest and the truth is that each choice we make is affecting the outcome of our lives. So it is we must learn to live with a purpose, committed to the things that bring us feelings of health, power, vibrancy and joy. That is most clearly where my current direction now lays.
Emerging From The Dark Night 
I hear you Deb! Not easy to admit is it? I am glad you did. I am also glad you have more compassion now for you, you are valued, and loved, by me, and many others, xoxo
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I am starting to really see what I’ve contributed to things going wrong in the past Its not easy and makes me sad at times so the self compassion is so so important isnt it?
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