A friend invited me to dinner tomorrow night but I am recognizing that any invitation to eat brings up anxiety over how my body will manage. Yesterday a friend who works at Parliament House wanted me to meet her there for lunch. I had not been before and was inclined to say no but then another part of me felt sad, so I took my hand in the fear and went to eat lunch with her. There was a lot of pulling around after I got home doing shopping on the way and having more things to eat. The fear is that I am going to collapse again and not be able to walk as I was during my stay in hospital. At times it was hellish seeing others in the ward going through so much stress due to interventions and at times I was roomed with people either immobilized or with convulsive conditions. The last few night I have fallen off to sleep only to awaken a few hours later being all pulled around, last night it happened for over an hour between 11 and 12 and then again at 5 am and upon waking again at the usual time of 7.30. Today my fear was I could not get up again and my body spun around so much but I did manage to get upright by about 8.30 passing a little urine onto the bathroom mat as I attempted to wash my face and get mobilized to eat.
I then had the invite to dinner from another friend that I refused with an explanation only then to feel so sad. So I called Lifeline in tears. I had not be crying for so long now but sometimes the tears come up with so much fear and there is a lot of old stuff that hurt me that I was mentioning in the call such as not having the support for my therapy and feeling work when I was undergoing it in my marriage and being told when I got sober by my Mum “that’s great and I am proud of you but after all you are the only one in this family with a problem” ???WTF. All that is in the past now and I forgive but as the LIfeline Counsellor pointed out today I have had a lot of loss in my life and not a lot of physical support and then I attract those also in need of support which lately I am recognizing is all about the Universe mirroring back to me needy parts of myself (Moon and Cancer with Moon and Mar conjunct Saturn) that I had to bury and did not receive compassion for in my family.
The thing was that in hospital no matter what I was undergoing with the treatments or drugs I was being ‘held’ in some way. If I was to fall or my body not work there would be someone there to help or I could just spend the time in bed. My sister in the home struggles now with Parkinsons too but she is also in a safe space there. At home I do not have this help and each day it’s a process of constant second guessing with my choices. As much love as i give to myself I also need to pace my energy and at times it is difficult for me to understand how my body is reacting.
What I recognize lately is how much fear was a part of my life and fear was there around my feelings as they were not always received and so I do live in fear of feelings bursting out and pushing someone away. The Lifeline Counseller was so affirming and supportive that she made my spirit lift and then I felt like eating more and making an effort to walk, the problem with that was that on the way we ran into an elderly neighbor with a big dog that she finds hard to manage on the lead while keeping balanced and steady on her feet. My Jasper is a very exhuberant dog and he wanted to play with Bravedog but I saw the anxiety written all over her face and so was trying my best to reign Jasper in and give them some distance. This was very symbolic to me.
Oscar Cainer the English astrologer did say in his daily reading for Sun Sign Aquarius today that if someone comes into our life who annoys us at present, the reason may be that they are reflecting something about ourselves we may have hidden. This seems to be true to me. Everywhere in life I meet mirrors of myself and the degree of compassion or irritation I have is always some kind of reflection. The wounded parts of myself need holding and recognition. Hiding away does not help much but then self containment is also necessary as we heal.
Today I just feel so grateful when I CAN walk and stand upright. It sometimes seems a kind of miracle I came through what I did in April to May of this year but then I also wonder at times how long my body can hold it together with all of my missing teeth. At times it gets very frightening to be totally honest as much fear containment and affirmation work as I do. I can only hope too that writing about it helps. At the moment I do not have therapy but I can reach out to Lifeline when I feel as vulnerable as I did earlier. Its just hard at times feeling so much fear and vulnerability. But then again these are only feelings.
Emerging From The Dark Night 