I am working through Louie Hay’s Love Yourself Heal Your Life Workbook at present. I find it is giving me more help than therapy though if I was still in therapy I am sure working through it with Kat would have been a good idea. The truth is we did work a lot through some of my anger issues in therapy but at times with Kat, to be honest, I got scared of expressing anger with her.
Louise asks in the book about patterns of anger in your mother and father and siblings. I have written about some of this in my blog in the past, especially about how Mum was always exploding and Dad would walk away laughing and often abandon us kids when we were being hit or hurt. I do not remember him staying around and sticking up for us. As a result my sister with Pisces Sun and Venus in square to Mars in Sagittarius at 4 degrees (the exact same placement as my father had though he did not have the square though he did have a very tense Venus opposition to Chiron and square to tumultous Pluto on Cancer) swallowed her anger when her partner used to make fun of and abuse her and this was something that really upset my Mum. But the truth is Mum often abused my sister hitting her with the wooden spoon and shutting down many of her needs. One time she pushed her so hard she fell down and hurt both wrists. Mum then tried to deny she was in pain and it wasn’t until my sister dropped a glass that may parents have realised but still not done much to help. It is not strange now that she has had so many falls since being medicated for her emotions for so many years. And as the youngest sibling he often took her anger out on me, since often anger that is repressed in one sibling will be passed on to a younger more vulnerable one, or even the family pet.
Louise talks about some beliefs we might have absorbed about anger such as that anger is bad, that if we get angry we may lose control, that we won’t be loved if we get angrry or express anger, that it is safer to hide our anger, that stuffing it will make us sick, that if we get angry we may hurt someone, that we do not have a right to it, or that we are terrified if others express anger, often fearing we may be abandoned or rejected.
I see that I often felt scared as a child but often I would also explode if a need was not being met. Often Mum got very upset if I ever got angry myself which is probably how she felt when on the receiving end of my grandmother’s anger and she was not a stay at home Mum and often not there when I really really needed her. She passed this mothering responsibility on to my second sister who often resented it and got angry and was often both critical and judgemental of me calling me names like cry baby and tissue queen. At times this treatment from her often made me fear that she did not really care about or love me.
Louise reminds us that anger can be healthily expressed. We can give a voice to it. We do not have to lash out and if we can be a loving parent to our inner child we may not have to fear another’s anger but remind that younger part of us that we are now safe.
Mum often got angry too when things got untidy or too out of control. Then she could get into a frenzy and we all had to duck and weave and I am sure often felt very scared. A sign she might be about to go off was the flaring of nostrils that may preceed an ‘attack’, so it is no wonder that often in my own life Complex PTSD made me fearful and hypervigilant, especially of things getting out of control.
Today I am still learning about anger. We can find ways to let those who anger us or make us feel resentful know but that might not be a skill some of us ever acquired. A simple ‘that made me angry’ or ‘I am angry at what you did’ or ‘its upsets me when you do that’ is what is most needed.
In addition some signs that we may be stuffing our anger is that we get annoyed a lot by others or criticise them, judge them and shame them. This criticism and shaming is a sign of repressed anger. I know this for a fact in my own life and it is often also directed at ourselves. If so we need to counter this shame, criticism and judgement and see where we are really at honestly. This takes some work and journalling to understand old patterns.
In addition below are some positive affirmations we can use to help come into a healthier more grounded relationship with our own anger:
I acknowledge all of my feelings. It is safe for me to express my anger.
I express my anger in appropriate places and ways.
All my emotions are acceptable.
Anger is normal and natural.
I comfort my inner child (when he or she is frightened) and we are safe.
I move beyond my parent’s limitations and old unhealthy anger patterns.
The more honest I am the more I am loved.
I allow myself freedom with all my emotions, including anger.
Healthy expression of anger makes me healthy.
Everyone is safe with me when I express my emotions.
I give myself permission to acknowledge my feelings.
Emerging From The Dark Night 