I am having a little bit of a struggle at present knowing who is telling the truth and who may be lying to me. I have friends and family members coming out strongly on one side and their certainty and power overcomes me at times.. I have never felt life to be that certain and for a long time I did lose myself in some ways, I had a very hard time with my self esteem and being forced into that career pathway I did not love was a big wound for me now and I realise it as I see friends having found much success in chose careers filled with self belief. I know a lot of this wounding goes to my Chrion in Pisces opposite Pluto in Virgo. When Chiron came around to oppose its own place I got sober and there was big change that took place in my life. I got married, I started to work in the book trade which I loved and move away from secretarial and previous to getting sober got a great job managing a lovely shop with oils, crystals, jewellery and books that set me up for a later job with sales reping and into my favourite alternative bookshop after I got sober. I was truly in my element there but I gave that job up after my husband and I decided to move to the UK and be closer to his family. At this time I also began serious psychotherapy and learned so much from my first therapist. But I did go back into the secretarial admin stream of my career then and when a big breakthrough happened but also an ancestral pull back to Australia in 2001 at the time of Saturn opposite Pluto that saw all kinds of dramatic events in the outer world, I got pulled under and ended up in my family’s house by the ocean where I am sure so often I heard and felt the ancestral pull calling upon me. In time my marriage ended as my husband was ‘sad that I was sad and no longer the happy girl he married.’ I also believe I was very angry but had submerged those feelings under depression with what my then therapist Wendy called me experiencing many deep dives along the path of healing.
After this last breakdown which occurred with transiting Pluto waxing onto my natal Mars Saturn Moon conjunction and Saturn passing over Chiron I went into the Underworld from about the 23rd of March until just after Easter. At that time I was put into Intensive Care, my weight was down about 20 kilos and I was having a lot of archetypal dreams about both my exile and Scott’s influence in my life. It was also decided at that time by the resident psychiatrists at the hospital that for my own good I must be put under an order to undergo up to 9 sessions of Electro Convulsive Therapy or ECT. I was also put on the medications Diazapam for a time then later Olanzapine and Citalopram. At the time of the order and th ECT I was unable to walk without convulsing and in time I got to walk and managed to bring my body weight up to 56 kilos from 43.
I listened to a very good video on Mars in the chart and in transit yesterday, the astrologer said it represented our ability to use our will and power and sense of agency in a healthy way. This is something I have really struggled with since I never felt my needs mattered nor that I was seen in the family or by my Dad whose support I needed. At a recent follow up with a new psychiatrist he said that in my notes I had said to the psychiatrists “I don’t exist.” I felt also that I was dying. That strikes me as a powerful way of saying I felt erased. But the truth is that now, as an adult I am the one erasing myself when I deny my true power and feelings and turn against myself due to outer pressures. I agree now with Louise Hay that no matter what I suffered in the past it is now up to me to heal that sense of inner loss or lack of power. I do that by the choices that I make and also by the thoughts I choose to think about myself. I also do it my not denying my inner felt sense or intuition.
With both Mars and Venus now in the fire sign of Leo and trine transiting Chiron in the power Mars ruled sign of Aries now this is apparently really the time to be tapping into our heart energy as well as our sense of inner confidence and self love. Leo is the kingly sign that connects us to a sense of true bing and authenticity and Aries rules the sprin impulse and fountain head of creation. In modern times woman who are ruled by Venus also need a strong relationship to their inner masculine and creative source shown in the birthchart by the placements of both the Sun (Leo) and Mars (Aries.) While men who are ruled by Mars need a grounding in the feminine to be truly strong signified both by the Moon (Cancer which squares Aries) and Venus (Libra is ruled by Venus and opposes Aries.
Venus will go retrograde in a months time on the 23rd of July and when it does issues of self value and self love come to the fore as does our older or past relationship history and esteem issues by projection. For me there has been a lot of wounding there but lately I am releasing this as I see I deserved to be both valued and loved and when I did not attract that it was indeed in relation to the past treatment at the hands of both my mother and father who did not really know how to empower me. That empowerment now rests upon my own inner connection to a love and self regard grounded not in false ego but in truth. In a balanced assessment of both my strengths and weaknesses. In AA recovery I learned that facing the places where I lost power and not covering it over with bluster or false bravado was really the way to go. It was by admitting where I had deficiencies that I could change. But change today rests upon my ability to be kind to me and loving. To listen to my body, to value my need for rest and to talk to myself in ways that build me up from within rather that tear me down. I also gain by connecting to my joy, because from that place of joy I feel a sense of both pleasure and peace. By recognising my bodily need to feel vibrantly alive I allow myself good nourishment and exercise as well as enough rest calm and peace. There is no doubt that over the next few months and especially after Venus turns retrograde more will be shown to many of us about how we need to be connected to our hearts as the loving center of our being. In time Mars will oppose Saturn too when it enters the sign of Virgo. At that time things may come to light about boundaries and also about where a sense of balanced discipline and containment will help us to feel both stronger wiser and more fully grounded as human animal beings in a body that is always connected to the larger forces around us.
Emerging From The Dark Night 