My wounding makes me vulnerable, but insight can empower me!

The wound to healthy dependency needs makes me super vulnerable to seek to be a ‘helper’ of others undergoing difficulties. This is something I am realizing with more clarity as Saturn passes over my Chiron in Pisces and opposes Pluto in the first house. When others call on me for support its tough to say ‘No’ when it’s becoming even more clear the asking is to do with something they need to be managing themselves as an adult. I’ve stepped up yet again to ‘help’ and can only pray this is the end of that pattern. Mars has moved into Leo now but it’s still navigating my 12th house of multigenerational legacy and I’ve been having lots of dreams with family members at various ages as their innocence and beauty of the inner child is also being revealed. In the dream last night there were some dangerous experiences involving elevation, trust and balance that I seemed to manage to navigate by reminding myself of the power I did have to come through. I then woke again conscious of the fine balancing act that has been the past few weeks after coming home from hospital on the 12th of May.

Today my dear sister who had yet another bad fall out walking this week is undergoing emergency surgery on her hand, she broke several bones in it and cut her face open and Saturn is also squaring her Mars in Sagittarius throwing cold water over its fire as it passes over her Venus at 5 degrees which sits 5 degrees away from her Sun in Pisces at 00 and some minutes. My heart breaks that when she was feeling happy, marveling at all the gardens around her care home a protruding tree root that broke open the pavement has made her come a cropper. A similar accident happened to my mother and gave her an very bad wrist injury in 2001.

On the subject of trees, last night I was reading some pages in Matt Haig’s wonderful Book of Comfort and these paragraphs spoke to me :

The trouble with perfect abstract ideals that we want to reach is that we never get there. They are untouchable rainbows. Far better I reckon, to find comfort in the world itself. To try and see trees as essential versions of trees, and ourselves as essential versions of ourselves, and to cultivate the essential spirit of who we are, than to reach for something that doesn’t and cannot exist and watch it forever slip through our fingers.

Work with what you have. Exist in this world. Be the asymmetric square. Be the wonky tree. Be the real you.

It made me realise that imperfect life just happens to us on a daily basis and moments of joy can lead to pain sometimes. There we are opening to the present moment, and in our enthusiasm we fail to see the pesky tree root only to end up coming a cropper. The sad thing with my sister is that this kind of fall while walking seems to be happening over and over again and even though she has forgotten that serious fall that she had back when Mum was alive after we had a bit of an altercation about daughter’s in law on her birthday in around 2014, I remember it and too well, along with the next 3 years of subsequent traumas which led to Mum falling down the staircase at my sister’s unit block while trying to pack her up some cloths to take to the hospital, and how that then led to a number of other falls that resulted in her death three years later. The worst of these falls happened only a day or so after my grand niece, Lyra had a bad seizure and was hospitalized in December 2017. Mum only lasted about a week subsequent to that particular fall and then my sister’s mental health got progressively worse to the point she now remembers so little of anything at all.

We had lost my older sister in April 2014 and so maybe all of these challnging things happening did make me feel that the most important thing is life for me was to seek connection through helping, the problem being, at times, I have extended that help in some of the wrong directions.

Anyway today is a good day and I will keep my focus positive. Things to be grateful for are legion this week

Firstly, I have been sleeping well.. Last night I slept straight through from 10 pm to 4 am. I awoke then aware that my sister did not have a family member available to take her in for the surgery at 7.30 am but that the care home was sending someone with her in a taxi. I could have offered to do it but am still not feeling that strong.

Secondly I made an appointment to see my GP yesterday and that is a new thing for me, to place my trust in a male doctor,. I needed this appointment to top up medications the hospital gave me that were running low and seem to be helping. In addition, I have an appointment with my new psyche on Wednesday so that will also come with a little bit of anxiety

Thirdly I have made it clear to the person I am still helping they need to start fronting up from this point on as doing so tends to take a toll.

Forthly, on Tuesday I had a meeting concerning community support and possible re-education options that may be open to me as I look for new forms of engagement.

Fifthly, on Wednesday I had the first of three appointmets to see about having a new denture made since mine was lost on the day the hospital took out a mental health order on me on 23rd of March that involved obligatory Electro Convulsive Therapy, something I was pretty upset about at the time but seemed to pan out well in addition to placing me on the drugs Olanzapine and Citalopram. My prostodonist is very soft and caring and on Wednesday he made me feel so at ease and is pulling out the stops to get my new one made by July.

Contemplating all of this there really is so much in my life that is good happening at the moment and I have been fronting up each day, even on the dull heavy foggy days. So for now my focus is on happiness and very much upon how grateful I feel at present to be doing as well as I am.