I am so thankful to a friend in my Ascension Group for sharing the video below of Louise Hay with me last week. Listening to it has shown me my thinking, fear, guilt and inner patterns of criticism have been adversely affecting my body for some time. I understand a key thought, that I am not safe and that I am not worthy is making my life far more difficult and less full of security and joy.
The issue of guilt came up big time for me last week after my friend took me to the doctor and I shared about a lot of my trauma including my terminations of pregnancy that took place from 1983 to 1994. In that time of my active addiction I actually had six terminations of pregnancy but the one that I felt a lot of guilt over was the final one I had just after getting sober and marrying my ex husband. He really wanted that child, I believe and so when he left me and married someone else, he told my mother about the pregnancy long before me and when I found out about it I must admit I felt so deeply sad. My current partner got angry with me accusing me of jealousy, that was not it, it was the fact that newly sober I did not feel I could be a good enough parent, but looking back maybe I may have been, and I never aborted any child without feeling so sad. But this is where acceptance comes in, at that stage in my life I made the decision not to go through with the pregnancy. That cannot be changed, but I found myself last week spiraling down after the appointment where it came up and then the following day I could not stand up and was having seizures so much I called my friend around and only by talking it through did I find the power to stand. All the while along she was assuring me I had nothing to feel guilt about. And that when my ex husband told me I was killing his spirit that was not really a fair thing to say. But maybe it is how he felt.
Listening to this talk by Louise Hay has made me see I need to start changing my thinking and attitude. .That I need to start take responsibility for that attidude.. In AA I have heard it said that those two As can stand for altered attitudes.. So lately I need to see where my toxic self criticism or patterns of self hatred are affecting me adversely. Louise claims that in our culture issues of self rejection or hatred are rife and I must agree with her. We seem to be continually conditioned out of loving ourselves, knowing our true selves and being true to our essence.
Today I can affirm I am a good, kind, loving person who HAS STRUGGLED most especially with low self esteem. I was also conditioned by my Catholic upbringing at times to put others first or before myself. Now I do believe we are put on this earth to be gently and kind but we only learn this as we grow and even if it is an inner tendency we have due to sensitivity for some of us the capacity or ability to be gentle, humble and kind could have been socialized out of us.
To my mind humility is important here as it gives us a balanced idea of our own worth. It enables us to differentiate where we are both weak and strong, where we have abilities and deficits, that said we need to know that who we basically are is good enough and we also need to trust that the Universe will mirror back to us certain beliefs and even if we face adverse experiences it is how we weather these that is most impornant.
Louise’s work is big on us loving the body. It is big on take responsibility for what we put into our bodies and the kinds of energies we surround ourselves with as well as the thoughts we think. It is also big on release. Louise’s idea that we may create an illness seems to ring true on some level, and the we can work on releasing those things that may limit us.
From today I am going to be saying the following affirmations over and over.
I am willing to release the pattern within me that is creating this experience, condition or illness.
I trust the process of life to be there for me.
And I am going to begin to keep a very close watch on patterns of self criticism that seem to dog me. The way I speak to myself is often not that loving and kind. I also feel that in some way I have to work so hard to win love. That is a pattern that has often made me try too hard and in the wrong direction by over giving in relationships.
Lately I am seeing that I was starting to go under again in past weeks and that if I want more joy, peace and happiness I really do need to keep moving out of a victim role to take more responsibility for myself and my life. I am also reaching out more but as I do that I see that a needy child that never got love is probably something I carried from both parents and have a lot of issues with healing in my own life.. However if I continue to feed that empty needy within me it some way it implies that I do not have enough within myself to make myself happy when really I do have those resources, or can take steps to recognize at least what it is that I need to give to myself or ask help with. Today I am starting to feel more hope as I begin to see that I can take responsibility for making myself a good day, for engaging in thing that uplift and nurture my spirit, rather than drag it down.
Calling on my inner power is what this is all about, instead of endlessly feeling I need to look outside of myself for another available power source. That has been making my life energy bleed away and may perhaps be the reason I felt myself going down as the Sun passed over my South Node in Aquarius in the 7th house of relationships just over a week ago. Calling on the opposing pole of Leonine power is what I need to do from here on in. Learning to live more deeply in touch with the inner radiant Sun within.
And after posting this I did a check on Louise’s astrology to find that she like both my parents had Neptune in Leo and hers at 26 degrees. That sits only 2 degrees off my own Uranus in Leo. Uranus has to do with uplift, divine fire, and freedom, so its important this connection opposing as it does widely my South Node in Aquarius at 18 degrees.
Emerging From The Dark Night 