All moving so fast : update 8 February 2022

The past week has been surreal.. It seems on planet earth right now everything is moving too fast and we had the warning with Covid, or at least I did, that nature is the true healer and ground we need because if we do not stay close to nature and to our real nature we end up bankrupt. I was listening again this week to some interviews with Martha Beck whose book The Way of Integrity shows how we get lost when we have to adapt our nature to the culture that surround us and then we lose the way. We may also never get to fully settle into our own pace in life and then we find we are trying to run with the dominant pace that may be too fast for us.

I had a terrible shock this morning, my denture broke in half it was while i was struggling to get to the toilet in time, I grabbed it from under my pillow and went into the toilet and when came out I did not have the denture.. I did find it back buts as I put it into my mouth I noticed a sharp edge, the supplementary tooth they had put on in last January had broken off and I was in a state of both fear and terrible shock it was hard to contain it. I called a friend who came around as my fear was that I could not stand and may not be able to walk and digest food. I ate something as soft as I could while she was here and later collapsed in floods of tears as he held me close to her. I cannot explain the warmth, but I felt so yound and small then, I never in my life recalled my mother comforting me like that and holding me with so much care and love.

I took the risk to go to the dentist, they assured me that my oral health is good despite the missing teeth and later I did manage to get onto the prosthodonist and have an appointment for Monday, so I have take action, not just allowed my fear to immobilize me. As I type this I realise I have managed things well.

The cleaner then turned up at the time I asked him NOT to send someone.. I felt so small and young then and so overwhelmed. Why didnt he hear me? Why is it so hard for things to happen as I wish? Then I realise that is not life. I broke down with the clearer too as I told him about the dental issue and my accident everything, all of my helplessness and sorrow was flooding out . He also held me and we talked about God and love and the fact we are all part of the oneness, since he is a Sikh, that was such a lovely conversation. At times like this, at dark times, I see there is always a light, I also see how our fear function so often to hold us back. Sometimes I feel all that I am lately is fragile. But lately I also feel the love of others as well as the feelngs of softness that really can come as we truly open up our hearts and souls and take the risk of connecting to each other.

I was just discussing with my therapist the one of the saddest effects of childhood attachment trauma is that we lose trust in and safety in relating. The problem of losing with and trust in others it make is far more difficult to connect and makes us run abadonment storylines or schemas has I have heard then call. If we then also lose intimacy and trust with our true selves then our body bears the burden of all of that estrangement.

Lately I was taking the risk of coming alive in ways my PTSD does not always allow me I said yes to two things on my birthday and struggled in the aftermath especially digesting food. Maybe this is why the denture issue came about I do not know. Digesting food seems doubly hard at present. I am having a lot of health fears but I made an appointment with the doctor tomorrow and that is huge for me and I asked for the support of my friend to go through it. For me that is huge, the sheer fact of asking. I never could do it before, have always felt my very existence relied on going it alone and fighting perhaps a reason why this song of Birdy’s moves me so that I only discovered last week. To close out todays blog I will share it.