This is a saying from the rooms of recovery, that the way to serenity rests on our acceptance of certain realities in life and also upon the understanding that some of them can be harsh. This is not due to the fact that life is a conspiracy, that we or anyone did or did not do something, though sometimes we and other people do do the most painful things, moreso it is about accepting not everything ever can or will unfold on our terms, and that in our lives there will be many challenges to face. Life will often demand of us an acceptance of, rather then a resistance to these realities.
Maturity to my mind rests upon this understanding, as well as upon the fact we are able to accept the ‘otherness’ of other people., that they cannot always understand us nor meet our needs and also that is possible to look for those who do, for those who can be allowing, loving and kind and that we return the same. But as adults I am seeing, we must also take responsibility for our own happiness, and for me that rests upon having a feeling of love, acceptance and goodwill toward ourselves and only then becoming able to extend that to others.
A conversation with a friend this week sparked some deep soul searching from me around this issue, at the time I was hurting over my sister, the one who struggles a lot and the one who got upset for me about posting a post on Facebook asking for prayers for her after a fall. The tears were about a longing to be connected and about the fact I had so often been trying so hard to support her after Mum died, running here there and everywhere to get her clothes, only to be often told they were not right, later taking her out to get clothing which was never enough for her and then at Christmas not even being contacted by her or a single member of her family who all live very close and know I am alone.. My friend who is also my sisters friend said I could not expect this of them, that they all have their own lives and that I would only have peace if I did. And I think she is right but I got really angry with her after the call. What about me? I thought. What about all I go through and get no help with, nor recogniton of? But the truth is that the love is not there for them to want to reach out, nor the desire to do so and my sister did warn me back in 2001 when my ex husband and I decided to return home not to expect to be close to any of them in our family. She warned me. Abd exactly why is it I long for this, perhaps due to living alone but with more time on my hands, so really it’s all so relative. I feel the love for them, for a long time I reached out and no one is right or wrong in this at all.
Do I regret coming home? Yes and then I also know regretting too much will not be accepting life on life’s terms. I chose to come back due to love of and care for family especially of my aging Mum and other sister then in a home. But it was a tough call and it cost me my marriage in the end, parts of that were down to me resisting being too close to family though.. The fact is my past cannot be changed and this person said I seem to spend too much time focused on it. That was for the purposes of understanding though so I do wonder, why lecture someone who is trying their best to work it all through?
Anyway looking back now its all well and good even the parts I really did not wish had unfolded as they have. None of it can be changed and the more I focus on what did or did not happen then, the less energy I have to live well today. That is what I have decided as I spin out the final 48 hours of my 60th year. I will be turning 61 on Saturday. That ironically is the day I crashed in 1979. So I see that as meaningful. Saturn rules Saturday and it has to do with both restrictions and limitations but also with discipline and learning through the pressure of being ground down or tumbled around like a gemstone. So it is when we undergo all of the ‘guves’ of earthly life : hurts, challenges longings and disappointments, connections and discinnections, that we do. Each is given to us as a trial of some kind, an ordeal that leads us perhaps to a Quest or the Hero’s round as Joseph Cambell used to write about. As the Hero or Heroine of our life we chose to go out from the particular family we chose to learn certain lessons, we face the challenges and often the wilderness, or the dark night experience where we must encounter our soul, and the past, our karma and our reactions and the ways we chose or do not chose to go forward into life. And out of this dark night experience some kind of blessing is birthed but only as far as our attitude will allow us to be alchemized by the very challenge of our life in terms of incorporation, struggle and acceptance.
Today is a good day. Sunday and Monday were horrendous. Rain on Monday meant Simon could not come to walk Jasper but today he turned up and the Sun came out. Monday I had my therapy session in the car on Bluetooth because my body had been in such a state over the weekend that I could not get there. I was crying the whole time and reliving the two accident traumas on Monday with Kat, I was feeling like I was dying (possibly the stirring up of old imprints) and then I was also crying out in longing to both of my parents for all I neeeded from them that they lacked the capacity to give. It seems to me that for so long in the days of my addiction and after that longing and need got either buried or projected. And only lately as it even seemed at all possible to own up to it.
This emergence of need though may all be par for the course now that Mars has started to move forward more quickly after its six weeks of retrograde station building up either side by three weeks from 12th of January when it finally turned direct. In fact all of the outer planets and both Mercury and Mars are moving forward now. With my natal Mars squashed by Saturn and in a tense aspect to Pluto there is a lot around need and my ancestors and Mother too since in my chart the Moon also joins Mars. Moon Mars is as fast intense aspect and shows a mother who was a goer. My Mum had to struggle so very hard to survive coming out of the history that she did and so she passed that on, especially to three daughters who tended to over do it. My older sister crashed at 34 from the and my other sister is still a mess coming out of the stress.. For myself I see lately how hard I am upon my own body as well as how much I also attract to me others in need who wish for me to mother them.
In astrology the sugn position and aspects of Mars show both desire and impulse and the Moon relates to both mothering and needs. Moon also shows our maternal legacy. With transiting Mars at around 10 degrees of Gemini today it only just trined both the transiting Sun in Aquarius as well as my own Moon there. So there is a bit more flow today. A bit more understanding, a bit more acceptance and a bit less anxiety. I can see today that it all fits, everything that happened, It isn’t a conspiracy at all. It just is as it is, the at times painful and often miraculous and mysterious working out of life on its on own particular terms.
Just updating this post I noticed todays numerology.. Look at all the 2’s. That has to do with relationship. Very strong relational energy today.
Emerging From The Dark Night 