What a bizzare week of the strangest body symptoms, and differing energy levels. Tuesday was so interesting after having no energy much on Monday and pushing myself to go to therapy and even call my sister. We got up and were out walking but 10 to 9 and even if Jasper was dragging me back a bit, I ended up letting him off the lead and then he ran back to meet me and we continued on for about 30 minutes which is a lot for us. I got home after getting a coffee and then had the strangest day of body symptoms, it was like something out of a parallel reality with the pressure of contractions and expansions pulling me here and there.. It was like I was being blown up at the same time as sucked in and then crashing into bed only to get a huge surge of energy and stand up again and so it went in between trying to watch a funny movie.
Yesterday was tough too. It was a controversial day here in Australia with it being Australia Day which is seen and experienced by indigenous peoples as a massive trauma, there is a push here to have it renamed Invasion Day, so on such a day it is hard to relax and feel good about what has happened to our indigenous people in this country, knowing that white people are actually the usurpers. Then on another level, I think that all this acting out of trauma has been due to patriarchal unconsciousness and ignorance. To my mind it is hard to see how anyone can forcibly invade and the kill the residents of a land like cattle and even round them up and place them in chains while stealing their babies and placing them on reserves. Maybe that was affected me a bit yesterday and my capacity to enjoy a lunch that I took myself out for, mostly due to the fact I feel I have been losing so much weight and wanted to have a lunch I didn’t make for a change.
After the lunch I got so discombobulated that I ended up missing my telephone therapy appointment and then was told I am going to be charged for it.. I literally was in such a bad spin that I could not get to the phone. Never mind Kat is a kind person and she does a lot for me and her rate is low.. Its fine for me to pay it but then later on I found myself feeling really really angry. I also took it out on Jasper as after grooming him he got himself out and rolled around in grass and shit and when he came in I thit the roof and actually grabbed him by the ears and shook him while screaming my head off like a banshee.
Can I blame this on Mars still inching forward still at 8 degrees of Gemini in square to my natal Pluto and the fact the transiting Moon was in the very deep and nebulous watery sign of Pisces in square to it? I have Mars and the Moon conjunct Saturn and it is a very repressive energy.. I have heard it described as driving a car with the brakes on’ It can also feel at times like being submerged beneath the deepest weight or paralysed in some form from taking action. That energy contacts both Chiron and Pluto.
Lots of ancestral stuff coming through late at night from my great great grandfather this week too, I have this sensation of rocking and rolling as they were sailing the high seas at this time of year for New Zealand and would have, at this point been about a third of the way through the voyage. As I wake with the sensations I also feel nauseated and he is telling me things about how everyone was sick at this point and they were struggling with the baby who actually died only one month after they landed in Lyttleton on the South Island in March 1875.
Then my body dances the energy as even more insights come through from the issues of both my parents related to Mars. They were born of the generation with Chiron in Aries.. Mums’ Mars which rules Aries was in Pisces and Dad’s in Sagittarius, archer movements are all a bit part of this dance, swing, energy swirl that have dominated past days. Those two had Mars in square to each other (water and fire doing a face off that is reflected most in the chart of my living sister a Sun sign Pisces who struggles with paralysing anxiety and depression) and this is reflected in the fact that three times Mum was injured Dad tried to deny she was actually hurt. Maybe it was all a part of having endured the hardships of both the Depression and the impacts of Two World Wars, who knows, but that generation so often had to be so silently stoic. Sadly Dad so often over ran my own boundaries and often I was prevented from activities that involved movement due to the fact they both had no time at that stage of their lives to support a younger child. As I have shared before I was just so often seen as a nuisance and so at times, I seem to be a nuisance to myself or get involved with others who prove to me a nuisance in terms of demands for help.
Today a fair bit of criticism is back. I told Kat I am not sure I want to continue with therapy, the truth is partly I do and partly I dont. This is the thing I am seeing lately and I have an inkling it might have to do with Mars in the sign of Mercury and Gemini which rules communication and perception and relating to the issue of binaries and duality, that at times I see things as black and white and either/or instead of as both/and. Allowing a place for uncertainty, mess and paradox has not been a highlight of my life.. If I did not know what was going on, God forbid I admitted to it.. Often I just took myself off in my confusion and buried whatever impulses I was having.. I also learned to turn to both food and substances. And then to others but not the best kind of others if you know what I mean, often those I had to work so hard to please to stay related to.
And lately its occurred to me that I have only just begun to feel I might know how to relate to others from a genuine place in which I am not just considering them from the perspective of whether or not they are unsafe. Nearly everyone felt pretty unsafe to me growing up. There was not a lot of places to turn to and so I turned within. Not that that is a bad thing completely, it makes you both resilient and strong but at times there is also a longing just to slow down and stop. So today that is what I have been doing. Instead of ruminating on all the ways my life seems such a disorganized mess at the moment I just had the thought a short while ago. “what if I just decided for today to accept that it is all a bit of a mess?”, “what about if I just didn’t try to fix it all as much, not forever but just for a little while?”, “what if instead I could just relax into this present precious moment and find a nice thing to do, something to get me off ‘bad and messy, mixed up me story line?’. So that is what I did.. I picked up my Trent Dalton book too Love Stories and had a read after apologizing to Jasper for being a perfectionistic idiot yesterday and scaring the bejesus out of him. I also thought why not post about. How boring, part of me thinks, while another part considers really it doesn’t matter and why judge for sometimes just the sheer act of writing grounds me, gets me out of my head and somewhat into my body. And that, sadly for so long, felt such a terrifying place due to Complex PTSD and multiple body trauma all I could do was run from it.
Emerging From The Dark Night 