At times feelings of powerlessness overwhelm me lately (or possibly I am becoming more aware of them than I was before) and sadness at how I gave my power and resources away, all on promises of support and connection. These were the two particular areas in which I felt most vulnerable growing up and its been a big lesson to learn that the support needs to come from within. Lately I find myself standing on shaky ground at times as the illusions of denial have been swept away.
Sadly I always get a bit triggered by mess. My garden has got a bit out of control after all of the rain and then we have been hit with some dramatic hot spells. Its not as easy for Jasper and I to walk in the heat and I worry about that. Anyway today I got up and out of my head and into my body into the garden and just took action to fix and make better what I could. I also have real money worries at the moment as my brother messed up my allowance and a change of arrangements does not seem to be working out. Knowing that my finances are not always under my control is not easy and last year I got swept up under the pressure to help two people once again and had a real hard time setting boundaries.. I look back now and just shake my head at the fact I kept believing the promises and that in the end I am the one left foundering. But once again I have to use the serenity prayer and try my best to meet with serenity past missteps that I may now regret or see were not wise.
Writing gives me some focus when I lack it but I am trying to make the best of each day. When I feel the drag of negativity trying to take me down I have to be very careful of where my thinking goes. I also listened to some very helpful videos on the relationship between anxiety and our inner resistance and non acceptance of difficult feelings. A lot of what the person said made sense to me, if we experience an emotion it is far better in the long run to open our heart, welcome it in and try our best to find a way to breathe through it rather than tighten in resistance and then launch into a full blown panic attack.
I am also finding it important to catch when I start to get caught up in a downward spiral of thinking that generates emotions that will take me out of the now and into a kind of swamp. Noticing when I am getting triggered is important. Taking time to step back and evaluate, finding my inner center or witness self that lives beyond the emotion in necessary, so that I know those emotions are not the whole of me and may actually be best not being acted upon is also important. Seeing and recognizing that emotions are often just like waves or a kind of heavy weather rising up that will soon pass if I stay non reactive, open and receptive is important work and then thought stopping any negative narratives or story lines I begin to run around it is also very important.
Another theme Lee Harris spoke about in his annual energy update for 2023 was discernment. It takes a kind of lazor focus to keep our wits about us especially when intense emotions swirl around us and sweep us up or entangle us. I also need discernment in my relationships and when I start to fall into easily panicked inner child. At that stage I find I am compulsively looking for someone to turn to to ‘hold’ me for a time but at times that inner holding isnt helped by seeking outside of me and then getting swept up in other dramas.. Lately despite the loneliness I often can feel, its often feeling better to be holding firm within my self and energy rather than throwing my energy out there and then losing a kind of power or grounding that I feel most firmly when I stay more inwardly than externally referenced.
Emerging From The Dark Night 