In his 2023 update one of the themes for this year Lee Harris spoke of was release, another was allowing. At times it can be hard knowing when it may be time to let go for those of us used to settling. Maybe at earlier times due to neglect abuse or fear of abandonment we clung on. If we were not treated with a lot of respect as a child, we may also learn to tolerate disrespect or bad treatment. Sometimes an apology coming from someone is heartfelt and meaningful, at other times it may be used as manipulation if there is no change.
I have been feeling extra tender this afternoon. I had a lot of thoughts about the lonely way my father passed and the years of wilderness struggle that followed, I called a good AA friend and he helped me out of overwhelm by helping me to ground he also told me he thinks so highly of me as a person but that at times my thinking is not that practical. I can accept this. I know at times I engage in magical thinking I may also make excuses for things I should not, even my own poor boundaries around myself. Anyway becoming aware of these tender spots and not being defensive is a sign of growth for me, I genuinely know my friend wants the very best for me and it always makes me cry a lot when I get that kind of validation. I am really not used to it.
Today I have been working not to listen to the inner critic. I read some good affirmations in angel intuitive Kyle Gray’s book Raising Your Vibration last night and I have a post to share with some of what I learned about feeling more safe and grounded more able to advocate for my own meaning and value and good.
The affirmations that helped most were both about feeling safe and connected to my soul in my body as well as allowing inner criticisms and false beliefs to fade away. I am also trying to look at things in a less polarized way as Mars in the sign of the twins and duality Gemini moves forward tomorrow. At the same time with its ruler Mercury retrograde in the Saturn (boundaries) ruled sign of Capricorn I am looking to be less scattered and more focused at home and in terms of the energetic pulls I allow in relationships.
Today I can see that every single experience I went through informed who I am now. I do identify as a starseed in some ways. I did not feel much like I belonged in my family and with peers growing up, I always seemed to be an old soul who saw into things more deeply, but I also had a lot of insecurities growing up, and I never learned to lean in or depend on emotionally unavailable parents.. Those are all Saturn themes, as I have shared both my parents had Sun Mercury Saturn conjunctions and were not big on communicating in healthy open ways, and so I learned to be the same. Slowly with recovery all of that is changing for me. When I stuff up lately it is getting easier to see and own it and I know most certainly that this year I want to keep up a positive attitude and make sure that I am proactive in organizing my life in ways which allow me time for those things that raise my vibration and bring me both joy and a feeling of grounded calm.
I listened also to a very good reading from astrologer Oracle of the Soul who posts on Instagram last night.. She was speaking about the solar flares that are hitting our planet at the moment and giving a lot of difficult symptoms, things like nausea, anxiety, feeling disoriented and also ringing in the ears. Apparently with each flare we are getting upgrades that are affecting our cellular structure. I cried a lot releasing more old pain an hour ago. It is good to feel the softening around my heart. I no longer feel the need to be as defended as I was before mostly due to the big backlog of unprocessed hurt that I have been doing my best to process over the past 6 years of therapy.
Emerging From The Dark Night 