Hurt

Im.feeling so much hurt in my body right now. I was praying to die last night. My anxiety today has been so huge. I may be over blowing things in my mind, but I’m so sick of feeling disempowered and ground down by controls right now and especially of men and systems. I question so much trying to dig as deep as I can for answers but life is so so complex and there are so many layers to life.

I just read a post on Facebook about children being abused by Santa. Looking at the frenzy in shopping malls around this season in some way turns my stomach. I had to be at the shops on Monday but it was manic. Took ages to park but I stayed calm and patient all through that. In time a park turned up.

We seem to inculcate children in commercialism at times and sensitive kids I am sure pick on the dissonance around this sacred season. I call it sacred because if you can become calm and quiet right now there is a beautiful energy around to attune to but when we get swept up in panic or obligation to old systems its harder to feel it.

Maybe what I was picking up on today was that speeded up quality that comes with the pre Christmas build up. For now I don’t have to go out again. It’s lovely and cool and leafy at my house..my sanctuary. I really just want to be here calm and quiet feeling full and complete not full of empty longing all from a deep and damaged ancestral past. THIS IS ABOUT AWAKENING FROM ILLUSION.

Im trying to honor my soul and needs at the moment, I’m trying to sit with pain in my body felt most especially around my left breast near the cancer op site. Dad was operated on around this time, my second sister was too, in 2016 and I was diagnosed around the anniversary of Dads death. I see cancer as separation, unnurtured energy turning up in the body. If I knew then what I know now I’d never have had the radiotherapy and yet wasn’t it too all a part of my path?

I couldn’t attend my youngest nephews wedding due to this in 2016, now he doesn’t even return calls. Why do they sideline me, but see even saying this a higher wiser part of me says it’s all okay, to stop my wounded ego personalising it. I know my sister bagged me out behind my back to all the boys back in 2014. When we had so much conflict back in 2004 thats when I ran back overseas and smashed up. When I came back I kept up sych a great distance at Christmas time to the point I had horrendous nosebleed one year passing clots the size of tennis balls. My sister crashed then and prior to that when my older sisters life ended, only 6 months before she told all the boys how jealous I was of her. So sad. I always longed for my sisters love but she turned a hard face to me not knowing how much buried emotion I was trying to deal with at 12 years sober. I dud not know then how complex grief is and the difficulties we have experiencing and expressing it in families.

Now she remembers nothing. But I do. And somehow I have to find a way to hold all of this hurt in love. As Mars begins to slow down gathering all of the past collective memories and inner resonances forward.

Maybe I am being asked to surrender all of this to the angers and God. Being asked not to.let it become a poison inside me barricading me from the wisdom that as souls we are all works in progress and nothing from the past is fixed when we find ways to be healthy and wise and skilful in feeling and releasing the pain. As counter intuitive as that seems. It takes courage to own all the hurt, it takes love to find the very best way to come to peace with it all. Life can be bloody tough.