A cold world

Living emotionally ignored and abandoned as a child with no one to tune onto you really hurts, I seem to have buried the hurt for so many years under huge levels of denial. I got so triggered again today when the cleaner came I know I was being emotionally regressed back to being so young with Mum barrelling around everywhere cleaning like a tornado at times. Mum.told me in the later years her mother never once told her she loved her and I don’t think she was hugged, she also was brutalized over keeping things clean not only by Nana but also the Nuns who took her out of class and made her clean the chapel. As a single Mum, Nana was probably feeling so alone.

My sister and I tend to carry this barren abandoned side of our Mum, it makes emotionally connecting almost possible for my sister with anyone much and the drugs and ECT just slow her down, good on one level, but not to have feelings so totally numbed.

Lately I see how overcome I also get with these frenzy storms. I got one yesterday on the back of really hiting into the buried feelings in therapy and facing my tendency to keep running very fast and judging and criticising myself mercilessly. Slowly I am trying to find ways to balance my energy and to tune into what is going on under the panic/storm. Today to cope I got my teddy and phone and Book of Comfort and got into the car to be contained away from the cleaner, ios ignoring of me while being so busy is a huge flashback trigger, he isn’t doing anything wrong but still it was still triggering me.

Mars opposed the Sun on Thursday after the full moon. I awoke at 2 am to see the Moon shining through the kitchen windows for some reason David Bowies song Lets Dance was on my mind, the lyrics ‘serious moonlight’ and reference to red shoes reminded me of Mums attempt to give to her own inner child. It was not easy for her and with her anniversary of death on Monday she’s on my mind. Id also been watching season two of Firefly Lane that night that deals with war trauma/PTSD/battle flashbacks. In dream sequences the lead character Johhny sees a little girl in a red dress running away from the battle scene and that connects to guilt feelings he abandoned his own wife and child to go report on war..

I told Kat on Thursday my entire upbringing felt emotionally violent and the feelings of my grandfather’s war experience were with me, they led to my older sister’s hemorrhage in 1980 and my accident in 1974 (interesting that my great great grandfather was born in 1847). Growing up it was all about go go go and fight flight in our family, there was little place to rest or be seen held, contained or allow oneself to drop down into just ‘being’ in the present moment and a real dearth of fun. It made sense to hear Prince Harry talking yesterday in the new Netflix special on he and Meghan about the fact he knew once the news of them being together got out their days of simplicity, peace and fun would be over. He even used the term ‘fun police’, just think of the frenzy of him running from them in the years following the death of a beloved mother he found it so difficult to grieve.

Im just so so tired of the sad abandonment feelings right now and over the lack of joy, lightness and fun. I’m tired of crying, I want to feel uplift but Christmas approach feels so lonely and heavy. I really need a meeting today or to reach out someway. Feelings are supposedly not always facts but these old feelings are real. But sadly they are NOT ABOUT THE TRUTH OF TODAY… TODAY COULD BE BETTER WHILE NOT HAVING TO RELIVE ALL OF THIS PAINFUL ANCESTRAL SHIT.

My therapist believes I am moving towards the acceptance and release of the deep ancestral sorrow, it’s not how it feels today. It’s still all a bit hard to accept, but there is no other way to peace. The angels keep reminding me nothing is wrong per se but is all part of a far larger plan working out.

I did comfort my inner child through this flashback trigger today. We are in the car now and we cuddled teddy for a while and I really tried to tune in to her. Sadly I left Jasper back there alone with the cleaner his confused face looking at me backing out of the driveway crunched my heart like a fist. I’m only a street away. I can’t wait to go home and cuddle him. That dog is the closest living being to my soul, I swear, I genuinely would be so so lost without him. His silent loving understanding presence is best at times my only loving container and is such a healing balm, somehow he just ‘knows’ how my soul feel, , sadly it’s not human but I do have my therapist. But seeing other couples happiness in simple joy and relaxed togetherness at times makes my heart so deeply sad.