I feel myself slowing down a lot lately, I feel myself sinking more deeply into the earth. I long for the quiet time, time to cuddle Jasper and to breathe him in, I just breathed in the energy too of my beautiful tulip tree which shades my deck and befittingly the Moon is in the deep watery sign of Pisces today so its probably natural I feel soulful and slow since Mercury and Venus are drawing closer to Neptune. I listened to a lovely talk by energy intuitive and channeler Lee Harris yesterday, the talk was about tuning into the voice of our soul and higher self as well as deepening our connection to the angels. In the talk he held space as he asked us to write in response to the question : What does my soul want to tell me today? This is what flowed out yesterday in response to that question.
Be kind to yourself
Stop trying so hard
You are precious
Fear is leaving you
Trust is entering you
Do not fear
You are infinitely loved
It’s okay to cry
You are always trying to perfect yourself, but you are already perfect as you are.
Just love love love.
I actually cried after all of this flowed out. And the rest of his talk really interested me. it spoke of how some of us now incarnate on earth are from angelic dimensions (earth angels) or have a strong relationship to angelic energies and this is something that has been slowly growing deep inside of me.. In fact yesterday I was given the names Metatron and Melchizacek to research which I did using my Archangel Fire Oracle.
It seems to me lately that our trauma often in displacing us from the common experience of life deepens us into a spiritual dimension and Lee mentions in that talk that a distancing from a knowing of ourselves as spiritual beings was part of our past collective evolution and is now shifting as we go through crisis.. A distancing from or loss of a connected relationship with our soul also results as we disconnect from the spirit whose purpose is to be incarnated fully inside of the human body.. This is what Jesus taught in the gnostic way of knowing, to trust the inner connection to the divine within us, rather than ascribe to deadening imposed dogma or doctrines. In fact there was a time when spirit was no longer worshipped in nature and that is when a lot of devaluation of the inner feminine and the soul began to come out.
Some of what I am learning dovetails with what I seem to write about concerning how we lose a positive connection with our inner child which often John Bradshaw calls our soul child or wonder child . this is the part of us that is often open to the mystical and also to its deep feelings and intuition. It is the part of us that, before it becomes wounded, is able to reach out in love, to feel inwardly attuned at a gut level and to be creative, especially for those of us born with high sensitivity. I am seeing lately how in devaluing my own sensitivity and moving off my inner center I lost touch with important parts of me that needed to be known and trusted..Slowy over the years I lost my way especially when my father started controlling my educational choices, that said, maybe it was part of my purpose to be exiled from the mainstream. At the same time I did not feel that safe in the world, but this inner connection to a loving voice is reminding me that I really am safe. That said I became more and more aware how much this week I felt fear and how often it drives me..
I also had a lot of anger come up in the middle of the night last night over my cancer experience.. Lee speaks of how our body gives us signs about what food is good for us and about things that set us out of alignment, at the time I got diagnosed I was very pulled off my center and I remember having a big nightmare in the weeks before the diagnosis which I shared about in this poem/post:
I wish now I did not have the surgery or radiotherapy but had gone another route since they damaged my body.. I was crying out in the middle of the night last night as my whole body spun around its axis and my right arm was trying to fight and hit out. So often as a child my body was overpowered and so, like a lot of trauma survivors I learned to live outside of it and always to treat it in a harsh way. I can also be harsh at time with Jasper when his fur gets into a ‘mess’. I see its down to the violent and unloving way Mum was with us (only because that is how her mother was with her). we rarely were soothed, held or cuddled, we were not encouraged and there was little time for play in our home. We had a big focus on domestic tasks and making sure the environment was under control and clean which I experienced in my therapy session on Monday as living in a straight jacket. It was hard to either draw in a long deep breathe or breathe it out and those feelings are with me every day.
I started the day today for the first day in years with no huge attacks.. It did take me about 2 hours to get out of bed and to eat and then I did housework and got completely ravenous again. After this I ate a little more and then went and read my current novel Marshmallow which is all about the struggle in grief to have one’s feelings accepted and recognized as well as valued. Parts of it really speak to my own experience, especially the scene where the man struggling is told by his mother his feelings of grief are not welcome. He drive off in a rage and screams and this was like the time after I split with my last partner Phil at the anniversary of losing Dad and Mum started scorning me for mentioning grief. I stormed off at 11 pm at night driving all night to Sydney where I stayed for the next 6 months. but did a lot more damage by having a string of one night flings and then rooming with another man (not a romantic partner) who was an alcoholic and became abusive, but I even stayed there when a friend in AA offered me an alternative.
At the moment I just have to be compassionate with myself and know that all I did was due to difficulty finding a place in the world with other human beings where it WAS SAFE TO HAVE MY FEELINGS. Even in AA having feelings was not always easy. For this I have needed a good therapist as it is my experience that grief is feared in our society and this a subject that the novelist Victoria Hannan highlights in her book.
I loved that I got the message from my soul “It’s okay to cry.” So often I feel it will make me an outcast but only because THAT LITERALLY WAS THE TRUTH IN MANY PLACE.. Not so at the ashram where I went after the head injury and that family I was lodging with saying it was ‘too sad’ and upsetting them by it since they just lost someone. They had no idea how to share with me at all. I was just rejected for it.
Today I need to remember that when I do not allow my tears a place then I sacrifice my soul. I do not want to be endlessly grieving and yet there is a lot of loss I have been a witness too.. the message coming from spirit lately is that my work rests in helping others in grief to move through it to find both peace and joy.. Surrendering to my feelings means that in some way I am doing the work of making a home for my soul inside of my body and heart. Instead of endlessly running away.
Emerging From The Dark Night 