Hello, I must be going

I do not know why

When you reach out

I pull away

Maybe I longed for far too long

For you to show up

And so I gave up

Like the baby that is left

To cry itself to sleep

Or the little child full of frustrated need

Who rages

Only to be sent to her room

With a storm of unbearable feeling

Thundering away inside

I see it all

A little more clearly now

As Mars retrogrades

Sending up vapors of feeling

From out of the Neptunian mist

How many times I was not really responded to

In the necessary way

And then

So often

Over powered and hurt by your unintended,

Benign neglect

And I understand why it hurts you

When our brother avoids you too

Out of fears he is not even aware of

But lately even as I feel myself pulling away

Another realer part of me is begging me to stay

To trust the love you try to give me

Forgive me if at times I get myself

All mixed up

It has not been easy managing all of this

But I am grateful I am beginning to understand

Why hello always brings the feeling that I need to say

I really can’t talk now

I need to get going