Hurting : cleansing : shedding : awakening

The rain was pouring down in sheaths

as I pulled you hard upon the lead,

my body was so sore and tight

it was difficult to breathe

as we walked the winding paths

you were so listless and slow

that angered me

but it was not long

before anger turned to shame and grief.

What am I doing?

And why is this fury lately eclipsing

any sense I feel

of gratitude

hope

joy

love or reason?

It seems to be such a dark season

we are living through

Lately we barely see

the sun

as the drooping branches

of my pom pom tree

hang heavily over

burgeoning lavender

And yet

is there not some kind of heavenly renewal

happening

here on earth

at present?

It can be so confusing

when the way ahead becomes

hard to see

at yet

still,

at times,

in dreams

glimmers of light appear

like shafts of sun

dancing fast

upon the dark and inky waters

You could not see them when I told you of them

in my dream

just as you could not longer see the light in me

all of those years ago

so heavily disguised under

confusion

depression,

pain and grief

And so you left me all alone in it

There are so many times I cry

and cried

making myself wrong

running so hard and fast

to compensate

for what lay beyond my control

but today I saw with blinding clarity

I truly

never was

You chose to abandon me as you turned away

from the hurt in you

making me carry it all

along with your family

And yet in another dream

it was I that spirit called

to lay a healing hand

upon the castrated man

that lived deep at the center

of your family’s unconscious

You all saw me as

either weakling

aberration

or enemy

and yet I tried my best to love you

you made me wrong with the casting out

and turned your back

by God it hurt

But after all

when all is said and done

is that not just,

what restless unconscious humans do?

Who can claim ownership of ‘the truth?’

Sadly,

so often

it is the one who bears the light

illuminating a toxic darkness

who becomes the one

scapegoated

or persecuted

And when the persecutor

is then driven within

becoming so deeply entrenched

inside our body/unconscious

then darkness

truly does

descend upon our soul

eclipsing light

as rising vapors and storms remind us

how necessary

to our healing

the deluge

of our grieving

of our shedding

and the cleasing

of our collective

awakening is