I couldn’t get going until 2 pm today, that’s how long it took me to bathe and eat and then I felt I was literally exploding. I am so glad I took a listen very late in the month to Lee Harris’s energy update for October as it resonated big time. I found myself crying driving home in the rain. I had been listening to another Eclipse update before this and recognising the pattern of deeply buried need I carried inside my inner child that actually holds the unresolved grief of over 6 generations and has been so hard to me to articulate and lately is being triggered to conscious awareness through a lot of anger and grief. This came to me watching something mid week on a man overwhelmed due to not being able to ask for help, that was me, I just took myself off or was sent off alone all of the time. I did not learn to articulate anything at all and so at 10 years sober it all rose up and yet again I ran twice and then crashed and burned, ending up in 2005 in total isolation. No a good solution but one I had to live through to understanding.
Earlier in the bath guidance was showing me that Satan relates to the planet Saturn, energetically it’s not an evil being but an archetypal and inherited energy pattern of deprivation that then makes us shut down at a soul level and emotionally, just as our parents and grandparents and great grandparents had to. I had a huge outburst with Scott early yesterday whose demands for yet more money to set him free made me scream. Lee talks about a lot of clearing happening at the moment around both our heart and our throat as well as old deeply unconscious patterns as painful things rising up to be seen (Pluto in Capricorn now moving direct). I was yelling in voice clips saying no more and yet I also recognise all of this buried need as well as emotional distance themes as multigenerational. Every time I seem to connect to men lately they end up asking me for financial help. I have put a stop to this pattern now but by God was I beating myself up over it this morning.. Lee talks in that video on the phemomena of old patterns showing up to be cleared.. The Eclipse video talks of our need to be honest about our unconscious (Plutonian) motives or where projection is being shown by those we attract to us energetically. (see both video links below.)
I hope you get something out of taking a listen to Lee’s update and to the Eclipse video. Lee Harris speaks about sheets of emotion falling off us and that us how it felt yesterday. While it was surely not comfortable to see with blinding clarity the sheer desperation to help that has been running me especially intensely in past weeks and since June, at least doing so made me acknowledge a buried emotional reality.
Also, as I was having my coffee at the markets a shot while ago an elderly stooped woman walked by hand in hand with her husband. She reminded me of my Mum whose own body carried so many burdens and whose birthday is in about 10 day’s time. My Mum never got to be a child, she was never held tenderly, cuddled, affirmed or loved, her Mum bullied her only because she was left so alone and with minimum resources following the death of her husband. Nana hit Mum (and we all got hit or threatened with the wooden spoon, too) and eventually put her into domestic service. As I have shared before Mum got out and managed to secure herself a tailor’s apprenticeship. She had to cover over a deeply impoverished emotional or feminine side to engage a strong fighting masculine (this maternal inheritance from Mum’s alcoholic multi-generational legacy is shown in my chart by Mars conjunct Saturn and the Moon in my sixth house of body and work.)
In many ways my Dad was softer but he did not protect us from Mum and overwhelmed me too so much as a young one I began to often wet the bed. That I heard yesterday is a sign of anxiety and like many addicts I could not speak up or know this consciously, nor give a voice to the fear, but in many ways it crippled me inwardly and landed me with a very toxic inner critic who a past therapist reminded me so often beat me up and still can.
I still use some sweet foods and drinks like coffee that aren’t that nourishing to me at times. I do eat a lot of vegetables and salads to compensate but I am recognising those patterns need to change as having a late breakfast and coffee today made me feel quite sick.. That come to me as I listened to Lee’s update as a thing in need of change.
Anyway painful as it is to have these huge energy surges of waves of intense emotion flowing through its par for the course. We have Pluto moving forward prior to this eclipse on 25 October and Mars is square to Neptune from the dualsitic sign of Gemini to Pisces which rules deep collective emotions now clearing.. It will turn retrograde around the time of this eclipse and stay so for 2 months.. I will share more on this later or have look at other posts I can link to about Mars retrograde or articles soon.
This really is a time of insight and change.. some of the insights that are coming to me are deeply painful but never the less real and I love the emphasis on emotional honesty into unconscious motives shared in the video on the upcoming Scorpio New Moon eclipse shared below, the astrologer pulls no punches int it and the associated comment stream shows that it resonated deeply with a lot of people.. Scorpio relates to our shadow side and intense and at times overwhelming to our ego emotions. This is not a time for fake niceness or to deny the depths of how we truly feel, but IT IS TIME TO BE CONSCIOUS AND KIND WHEN WE CAN, ESPECIALLY TO OURSELVES. It is also a time to own our own shit and not dump it on others.. much as they may trigger us or force is to face deeply hidden parts of our inner life or unconscious multi-generational and ancestral trauma history rising up.
Emerging From The Dark Night 