I do not want to be complaining on my blog.. Really as spring kicks in here in the Nation’s capital evidence of beauty and God’s majesty surrounds me and I know I have a lot to be grateful for. But as Saturn backtracks onto my grouping of solar planets in the sixth and seventh houses of my chart as it simultaneously moves to square natal Neptune in my third I am undergoing a lot of inner conflict, working through, wrestling, questioning and anger.
I had a long and teary conversation with the spirit of my dead father a short while ago before going out for a brisk two block walk.. I was telling Dad how overwhelmed I am feeling now that Jackson is injured in hospital and I have been continuing to help Scott someone I have never met, how there is a backlog of hurt over how I allowed them both to pull on me ror money asking me to take responsibility for things that really are no responsibility of mine At the same time, I am being criticized by two people for aspects of the helping or not helping, and in the meantime I am making more male friends which is a new thing for me, for, as I have shared before in my blog Dad kept up a great distance as an older father and then shut me down a lot and my only brother being far older always treats me like a little kid or a loose cannon who, in his eyes, ‘lacks ambition’. He has often come into my house and told me what I need to do with the garden or made off hand comments about how the place would be bulldozed by any one buying it to put up something more practical and modern, though local real estate agents do not necessarily agree with his opinion on that.. I am a big fan of older style properties and I love the earthy nature of my place with all of its lovely wood ad open fireplace. Before and after Mum died it has not been easy to be close to him and even though I really tried to keep up contact after Mum passed not much was coming back in terms of any form of authentic support or emotional engagement.. I have accepted it but see its the dearth of all of this that makes me so so so vulnerable and of course a lot of that is tied up with the Sun square to Neptune with both Mercury and Venus involved too. I have no strong ego boundaries and so, am often very open to the bulldozing of other’s with stronger will. Uranus is thrown into the equation here too lately as it is at the same time squaring the Aquarius planets and opposing Neptune in Scorpio which means shining a light on a cesspool of hidden multi-generational repressed emotion and need all around siblings (Neptune in the third house!).
I was lucky to hear from my brother in law a bit lately, he felt like a bit of an ally in a family short on fun, joy, honesty and spontaneity, Kat my therapist always reminds me that by the time I came around the family was not geared to a little child so full of life and so often I was seen as a source of annoyance or amusement. I then watched Dad telling Mum things did not hurt that actually did hurt and we did not ever really experience much in the ways of cuddles, tenderness, attention or overt displays of love, affirmation, cheerleading or approval.
To be honest, I think the closest I got to Dad was when he told me of his cancer diagnosis in 1984 and then he broke down with me and at the end of his life I did not get to say goodbye. I had shots for going overseas the day before he passed and was not well enough to go to the hospital that night and the call saying he died came through to work the next day around 11 am.. He passed while they were doing an emergency intervention procedure on him on 8th January 1985. So much about his death was not even felt my me until about 11 years into sobriety when my God father passed and his family kindly allowed me to say goodbye to the dead body which was something I never go to do with Dad, nor be embraced by a family in grief who were so stoic and emotionally repressed, disengaged and distant.. Was it any wonder then, when I got into AA at 31 I started to bond with an older sober woman who was like this and often discourgaged me from embracing new opportunities that would have helped me to engage more.. We eventually came to logger heads a while after Jonathan left me in 2004 .. In the end all she wanted to do was attack me for feeling although a short while later she did apologize and make some kind of amends. Yes the death of my father has now passed but the sense of a remote father has not, I carry it with me deeply and its difficult and does colour both my choices and ways of relating to men..
It is interesting to me that the three or four men I am now connected to are overseas somewhere, one is in Africa, one is Indonesia and two are in the States. Meanwhile the battle to find my own inner or ‘divine’ masculine is ongoing but often that will to power and assertion often seems to comes out as a sense of frustration and anger at being over run which was what Dad often did, either that or thwart my needs and wishes. This is slowly changing as I get the therapeutic help to come to grips with more vulnerable feelings that may be all mixed up deep inside of the frustration and inner screaming.
So it is, I find myself helping by proxy or having guilt trips laid on me. At the moment Jackson has been told he may lose the leg that got hurt in the accident last Monday if they cannot do surgery and that it will cost 3,800 dollars. He has no one else to help and I have asked for information to confirm the veracity of it all which I will take to the Indonesian embassy tomorrow. The really bizarre thing about all of this is that my father was actually stationed in Indonesia with the Dutch East Indies Airforce from about 1938 to 1949. And Mum and my older sister and brother went to join him there after the ending of the Second World War. Earlier in my little ‘chat’ with Dad’s spirit he was sharing the way he struggled with money issues as well as boundary issues.. and it’s interesting to me that the only book Dad ever bought me he gave me a few weeks after my near-death crash in September 1974 very close to the date of his 54th birthday and it was Anna Karenina. That surely had some kind of message mixed up in it.
Anyway, part of today was spent crying, part running around, part doing sorting out of old books and things to take to charity and part being angry with Jackson for all he has put me through since June and made me responsible for. I know at this point I can refuse to help, but it just feels so mean that said, one of my friends I know is very upset I haven’t blocked him until now but for me that just feels so callous and cruel.. so the Neptunian dilemma I am experiencing all tied up with this Sun Mercury Venus Jupiter South Node in Aquarius transit by both Saturn and Uranus continues to play out. At times I am not sure which way to turn but I only know I will try to help while at the same time fighting as hard as I can to listen to my own needs, limits and boundaries of self care. At the moment saying NO just feels like far too tough a call.
Emerging From The Dark Night 