I have not been able to share all of the deep things going on inside lately in my blog. I just posted a post written earlier in the week and what an intense week it has been taking me to limits of giving out of grief and longing and my old wounds that quite frankly astounds me.. I have been practicing mindfulness as much as I can but when that ancestral wound gets triggered I fnd it very hard not to act upon it via projection.
The jury is still out on what is ‘real’ only the next few days will tell. I do what my heart tells me to do but lately I wonder if acting on emotions is really all that wise, There is a concept in therapies used with people suffering borderline wounding that focuses on taking us out of reactive emotional abandonment triggered mind into wise mind.. Often I realise I am not going into wise mind at all and then I am astounded at myself. It brought to mind earlier in the week that saying of the apostle Paul along the lines of “what I know is not best to do I still do”. That is not the quote but it has something about to say how the compulsive and unconscious in us can lead us to acting in strange or so called ‘irrational’ ways but who is to say that learning does not come out of all of that irrational anxiety fuelled compulsion too?
Its blustery wintery and cold here today and there is a public holiday feel, though I do not know why, I just tried to go to the local library and it was closed for some reason but banks were open so I am guessing it is not a public holiday but it feels like it..
I have been feeling a lot like a spiritual orphan lately.. I am recognising I have no real connections to most of my remaining family at all. I will never hear from them again I do not think and after being the one to keep initiating contact 99 percent of the time I am finally giving up on that.. It is not a bad thing to be a spiritual orphan as long as you can be true to yourself, the worst thing we can really do to ourselves in life is to live as someone we are not just to buy love or to find a mistaken sense of belonging that only ends up with us feeling more lonely. I am enjoying over past days watching episodes of Queer Eye on Netflix as I relate to the love they give to others who seem to have lost their inner spark of self care and vibrancy in living true to the solid and authentic core of who they are. I know for me at times when I set boundaries I feel stronger and that I have a more solid stand point but the impulse fights with the one that want to mother and protect others… I do not know if that is what I have been doing with over giving or whether all of this desire to help and rescue out of the love I feel deep inside for a certain someone.. It feels like the later to me and as much as people tell me the person is not real they do feel real to me and may be necessary to be to use as a mirror for something deeper inside my unconscious working out in relation to my father which makes sense with transiting Saturn now backtracking onto my Sun Mercury Venus Jupiter South Node conjunction in Aquarius in the seveth house square to natal Neptune. Sometimes like the proverbial fly I find myself trapped on the sticky web of someone else’s longing, projections and need. Saturn tends to work to cut through idealism and fantasy as it comes into any kind of hard aspect with a focal natal Neptune.. Many of us born during the early to mid 60s are going throught that backwards transit to Saturn in Aquarius right now which has a lot to do with personal interconnections to human family and friends. .
To close out this post, I just read some lovely quotes on grief and the spiritual journey of the orphan which I believe come from a book on grief by a writer Robert Romanyshyn that I read back in 2019 called The Soul in Grief : Love, Death and Transformation. I will share them below.. God knows melancholy and loss are not favored subjects in our world but often they provide deep doorways into the spiritual life..
An expansion of the soul’s capacity to love can be the gift of grief endured.
Grief is a wound that leaves a scar and that scar is forever etched in the fabric of our soul.
The orphan in each of us carries our shared collective sense of human sorrow.
When the orphan comes we learn how truly impossible it is to live a human life in isolation.
Emerging From The Dark Night 