I got inundated again taking my sister out yesterday.. We did a very long walk by the lake and as soon as we started walking my denture started to twist in my mouth and my teeth ache.. Jasper I noticed was lively and vocal during the entire walk. My sister walks all hunched over now that her social engagement system is messed up, that said mine has been off compass too but I rise up from my core even if my spinal axis so often goes rogue… I have more energy available in my solar plexus will center now due to therapy and trusting in my old pain to show me inner truths and its probably why I struggle so much with my digestion.. My sister has a huge tummy now due to the meds burying her inner child and her feelings and vital impulses..
We eventually found a lovely sunny spot to sit by the gardens in full sun which warmed our bones and then the talk turned to family and emotional things and I noticed the uncoiling in my spine…. It was long icy and very blustery walk back to the car with me surging ahead due to the cold and the fact I have no flesh much on me, Jasper was walking fast, at times I felt a stone was dragging me back but I could not be rude to my sister, she has not walked in some time…. We finally got back to the warm car and then I could sigh a sigh of relief, the onus was then on me to drop Jasper home and sort out a place for lunch which isnt easy as we like healthy smaller meals and my sister does not remembe anything about places after nearly 2 years in the home or hospital..
We did manage to find a place after a bit of deliberation over what to eat we both decided on the avocado with beetrot hummus on sougdough with zuchinni strips.. .Sitting there in that lovely library cafe with so much light filtering through the colorful stained glass windows tears just started to fall it was where we went so often with both my Mum and older sister before she died. I ended up upsetting my sister by crying and I was not affirming how far she has come, only the damage I see which today I realised is not helpful to her at all and I regret,. My tears have so many layers, a grief that is so necessary to feel and contains at the center a longing in a way to be connected with and too as well as the missing of the loving connections I once did have with both Mum and Jude over the years, even if they were both difficult at times they still gave me love often and my older sister especially. I do have the love inside now so it was not as necessary to explain the tears to someone whose ability to cry has been taken by meds and yet I did try.
My sister did not want to go back to the home at all and she started pulling on me with a dark emptiness inside her eyes when we arrived back thee to drop her off. I find its best not to look too deeply into her pleading eyes at times, it is not all of my problem to fix and the pain there at times overwhelms and leaves me feeling so helpless. At times I feel negative ancestral entities haver her overpowered but maybe what I did glimpse deep inside that inner darkness was the killer of vibrant life, joy, movement, creativity, power, personal agency, inspiration and fun. At the time I did not know what to do but drive off.. I cannot stay so entangled as it is not good for either of us and at times her need paralyses me. I do not feel I am up to caring for her.. It isn’t my job I can be there for outings but that is as much as I can do really.
I had another huge energy spin when I got home after going to the pharmacy to get some things for self nuture, an epsom salts baht soak with essential oils and some rosehip oil for my face and that I can add to other body creams to help hydration. I am finding lately that using essential oil of lemon also helps me feel good and assists with digestion… Lisa Romano recommends the epsom salts for empaths.. I have been using the Dr Teals epsom salts mix blends for some months now and really love them.
I cied again today thinking about my sister.. Maybe I am not the best person so be around her at times, my heart aches in all kinds of ways but who is to say that my take on things is right for anyone else but me.. I did just take a quick look and the Moon was on my sister’s Mars in Sagittarius yesterday was we walked in square to her Sun and Venus in Pisces and my Chiron there. Mum had Mars in Pisces and did not exercise much until after she lost Dad in her 60s and got a new partner who liked to walk but sadly she had a fall around 2003 that derailed her a lot..
Mobility is so important to recovery from both depression and anxiety, my inner guidance keeps telling me, especially at this time of year when my accident trauma is so close to the surface.. I got the message today that I need movement, to assist with both breathing and inspiration. I am not sure if exploration was safe for me or fel safe as a youngster or maybe it was having that bad crash while over seas.. It makes it a bit frightening at times to get moving. Also when we go into fawn or collapse in Complex PTSD we get uninspired and depressed and it can be difficult to breathe, we may have had the wind and vibrant life energy knocked out of us by shaming caregivers and learned to close in and fold up and play small fearful if we took a deep breath or tried to rise to our full stature, we may die, face threat or be killed off.. But breath is life and when we lose the capacity to get upright and move feelings often remain trapped and locked deep inside. This is one of the worst dangers of letting a person stay too immobilized and unable to access the valid anger and fight impulse or impulse for flight if that is to fight for the rights, needs and validity of the True Self. Too often this part of us gets killed off in emotional neglect and abuse and as a result of trauma we come to even fear our own assertive impulses and drives. Then in time the condition becomes both soul and life threatening or destroying, in my humble experience.
Emerging From The Dark Night 