I just listened to another Lisa Romano talk on intuition and why we tend to negate our own intuitive knowing when traumatised as a child.. I watched another video by Anita Moojhani last night that spoke of losing our own vision as a child when the world tries to tell us what we see and know to be real is not.. That kind of negation seems to lead to a kind of soul death and inner deadening and IT FUCKING HURTS AND WE KNOW THAT IT HURTS. We are then often told, that we are being dramatic for protesting it the hurt.. We may come then to feel shame, as a child we do not have the power to validate our truth and feelings and that is why we so often surrender them to be loved, approved of or accepted.. But in the end this has a terrible cost for. In the video I watched today Lisa shared that this is what happened to her as a child and it was why she got into such a loveless marriage not listening to her gut instincts until her body became very very ill with co-dependency and other self love deficiency symptoms..
I had started listening to this before going to the chiropractor today and so often lately I have felt it knocking me off course. I felt angry during the treatment as so much was coming up but the chiro wears a mask and does not engage at all, she was using a trigger gun on my neck and I had so much anger after the session as I thought of how often my body limits were abused and betrayed and of how all of the orthodontic work my mother subjected me to damaged me the point I lost my teeth at 17 and now wear a denture and have only about 8 teeth left on the top of my mouth, most of my PTSD symptoms run around meal times and digesting and then problems staying asleep and rising due to this.. .. I also could clearly see during the treatment how my sister undergoing all of that psychiatric abuse chews at her mouth and swallows down her own sense of true self, power and agency… It brings me undone with both sadness and anger, but the anger cannot achieve much apart from the knowing of how so often I do not make good choices for myself either.
I loved what Lisa talked about in the video I watched around the issue of self regulating and tuning into her heart and inner needs.. When these are devalued as kids we learn to turn away from them, in therapy as I broke down again to hug my inner child and validate her past pain I was hugging my body in a similar way that Lisa mentions in her talk. It felt so nourishing to myself to be giving myself that love and not turning towards my therapist for it.
I cried a lot coming home to Jasper after my chiro treatment. Yesterday was a far better day, after a slow start we got out first thing and did a long walk and had time together in the car, I realize my dog helps me best in this life more than any other human as he provides me with the best ever example of how not to betray one’s instinct and take sheer joy in the magic of the present moment. If Jasper does not like someone, he does not make nice and he will try to draw others into engagement with me, when he finds someone that seems the right fit he naturally seems to want me to be connected even at times when my feeling is a desire to be alone in my own world.
And here is where I recognize that relating can get complex at times, sometimes it is my own company and inner attention and validation I need most. Then there are times when connections seem to have value because they seem rich and authentic. It has been such a long process to learn about this in my life too, just who it is around me that feels safe enough to be my true self with. I wonder lately how much I do have to give to others as I am only just really coming to learn that it might be okay and safe to be my true self regardless of what others think and feel about it. And the more I can allow myself this the more that I can offer others the same freedom and not make selfish demands for mirroring. The most important thing of all seems to be not abandoning myself, not sabotaging myself by taking actions that do not lead onto a feeling of alignment and harmony with my true self and values. It is a freeing feeling to finally come to feel that what I like and need can govern my choices in life.
Emerging From The Dark Night 