I am breathing a huge sigh of relief right now that the Sun has moved into Leo.. last week had so much bittersweet memory from the past come up, it was no wonder i had that dream of being sucked into a quagmire..I noticed I started to blame myself for everything failing in my marriage but as Kat my therapist said no one had idea how wounded I was from our families past and trauma and they had even less idea of how to help at all.. I see that now and I no longer feel anger for them not being able to give me what i needed. As an adult it was up to me to ask for it but I was still so trapped in damaged inner child and I really had no idea how much fear I was in as I used other emotions to deflect from that enormous sense of powerlessness and stuckness..
Susan Cain makes the point in her book Bittersweet that depression makes us more compassionate and more aware of our interdependence.. Depression can make us feel all alone and as Matt Haig notes will tell us all kinds of things that are not true.. As I often used to hear in AA feelings are not facts.. It used to confuse me but its not saying emotions are not facts they are also reactions but how we ‘feel’ can be colored by myriad protections and confusions at times.. I like the idea of wise mind used my Marsha Linehan, because often when we are a highly emotional state of mind its not the wisest time to take some actions.. I have derailed so much in my own life and caused myself damage by not being able to ‘hold’ through a feeling, to sit with it and not react towards others before it subsides, when I look back I also think my Mum was highly reactive and Dad very withdrawn… both did not have a lot of friends and mainly worked not socializing much..
I am glad I could feel all of that sadness late last week over my marriage ending.. I got to an AA meeting yesterday when I was so overwhelmed.. I did not get to share but in the rooms I could cry, I noticed that.. I could just silently let out my feelings especially in response to the mirrored reflection of others sharing.. I had more kindness shown to me by a newly sober person than a long time member during the break and it felt good to receive that kindness.
I also had a really long chat with my sister in the psychiatric unit on Friday. We spoke for over an hour. Th ECT has completely obliterated her memories of the past 3 or so years. It was sad to hear in a way but we felt very connected during the call. I could even make amends for the way i reacted in the past to her ineffective ways of dealing with me when I was coming out of the numb of emotional shut down and beginning to experience that huge fund of unfelt feelings I had not intergrated after about 17 years of active drinking and later drug taking…. I see now those in our family are so affected by trauma and emotional neglect issues with long roots in our ancestral past, that it’s just not possible for them to be able to give me nurture. It is up to me as an adult to find healthier sources of self care and validation.
As I look back, I am glad I left AA to get therapy at about 7 years sober.. I think it was necessary.. Its nice to go back to the occasional meeting, I just find my depth of knowledge on multi-generational causes of addictions seems to be more than anyone speaks of in the rooms. but I do get a lot of joy out of seeing younger people growing and recovering from the ill effects of the dis-ease.. they are far ranging.. physical, emotional, mental and spiritual but luckily now there are so many different kinds of help out there, there is always somewhere to go, its just getting to the point of knowing you are worth all of the assistance in the world and can always find some way to make a small step forward even on the days when the mental distortions tell you the pain is too great and you cannot face those feelings or live to fight another day… In the process of recovery we do experience many peaks and deep dives into the emotional ‘mess’ or soup. However my experience is that as soon as I make the decision to face those feelings rather than internalizing them in self blame or projecting then onto others I will in time experience a shift. It is just a matter of allowing them a safe passage way through your own body and from the integration you will learn more each time if you have the courage to face the truth, so these words from the AA Big Book ring so true.
Many of us suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but we may recover if we have the capacity to be honest.
Emerging From The Dark Night 