My brother has control of my trust fund, it is something that is very triggering for me and led me to really firmly state how much it is affecting me the other day, since he was putting some pressure on me to upgrade my little car saying it was unsafe.. The thing is, that so often when he thinks will be good for me isn’t always what I want but then due to my own inner confuion at times I am not sure if I am being too fixed or bloody minded about following my own way.. Lately when I do it seems to alienate me.
After I sent him an email trying to express distress I shared with a distant family member who knows the situation well and she immediately told me it was a mistake, the way I expressed myself speaking about emotions, she felt was sure to confound him and put him offside, she told me the way I phrased it was not showing empathy for him and the fact he was trying to help. It was a bit hard to hear at the time to be honest but then all of this longing poured out of me.. I realise I just long to be close to him but I do not know if his own defenses make that possible and now it may seem the email alienated him as he did not respond.. And who knows if I will be able to go through with the car. I did cry a lot with my friend about all of this.. I hate getting so angry at the control of money Mum left to me.. I just fawn to keep the peace or is this just a case of admitting I have been defeated and must surrender as to protest or fight about it all seems too hard to do?
Life can be so frustrating at times. I am trying to study up on what happens to kids who are frustrated by not being attuned too or able to develop skills and abilities fully due to lack of understanding and nurture.. I have started a post on this and it will follow in a day or so .. because tonight I am just exhausted by all of the emotions flowing around about this car issue.. It all came to a head yesterday as Mars in Aries faced off with Pluto in Capricorn and Mars is shifting tonight from fire to earth.. So hopefully things will ground and calm from now on in. With Mars passing though Taurus patience and tolerance are going to be important issues. And Mars will meet with both the North Node of spiritual opportunity as wells as Uranus in Taurus early in August. Maybe its time to seek a slower more patient approach to things instead of getting myself all fired up with emotions.
Emerging From The Dark Night 