Lately I sense myself to be a little lost in the world, or at least having been imprisoned in my own history for so long. Honestly it does make me cry sometimes as regretting the past cannot really feed our future life and at the moment it’s hard to see mine moving forward, I know June to August is usually a challenging time, when the Sun goes into Cancer things do dive down and after two weeks of that it goes into the 12th house and this is the time we make a deeper annual life review of how we were unconsciously pulled (Neptune as the natural energetic ruler of the 12th despite what other sign is placed there) around by hidden influences and the subconscious in our life.
I do remember when Saturn began to transit this house so much dissolved in my own life. When the Sun begins to hits Leo midway through the month of Augustr the energy does tend to shift for me and with Satun now transiting Aquarius when the Sun opposes that in August maybe there will be a stronger outer shift. Saturn rising above the horizon after over 14 years beneath means our energy may slowly be rising again and more available to be used in our outer life.. I find watching the progress of Saturn through our chart so interesting.
I had a long chat with my grandmother’s brothers granddaughter last night.. We have grown so close over past months and are so alike its uncanny.. She is actually my second sister’s age but our relationship is so different, as she has done a lot of work on herself and continues to do so..She says she also gets stuck in self accusing and shaming downward spirals at times and it is trying to counterbalance this tendency.. I am trying my best to find ways to anchor myself within my day lately and reach out to connect. Today I am off to lunch with a friend, but I still feel I am around a lot of the old energy almost as if I am living in a kind of womb here still at present. Maybe I am only slowly being spiritually reborn out of my family’s past trauma.
At least making some movements forward gets me out of my head when that is just destructive and life denying.. I was interested that Peter Walker talks a lot about the death like trance that trauma traps us inside.. In it we focus on the past or painful symptoms I was told a long time ago by a body movement therapist to put my gaze on something outside in the here and now to focus when a suck of past painful memory began to pull on me, lately it seems to me that I have spent a lot of the past 20 years trapped in personal and ancestral flash backs.. God knows getting out of it is not easy.. I heard this song on the drama series Nashville last week sung by a character with PTSD from the war and it speaks of how trauma can make us feel so lost and trapped.
There is a time too, lately to just be, to pray and hear the more encouraging voices of inner love that open to me when I reach towards my Higher Power. I ordered a lovely set of Archangel Cards that came with a book this week, in it it has meditations and explanations on each of the 40 Archangels, last night I selected the card randomly for Archangel Jeremial. His quality is apparently mercy and he helps us to move on from limiting situations that no longer sustain our growth.. This seemed spot on for me at the moment. The writer of the book and creator of the deck Alexandra Wenman claims that Earth Angels will naturally be drawn to the archangels, she gives meditations for growing our spiritual wings and guidance on how we can use these as well as other given meditations from the angels to help us.. This kind of spiritual focus seems to be calling me more and more lately. And it is interesting I just noticed that Jeremial is related to the Star constellation of Alpha Centari (The Centaur) and considering how I have been drawn back to those energies after listening to that Cancer New Moon reading from astrologer K Moon on You Tube on Saturday night that is another thing of synchronicity..
Mercy stands in opposition or complement to Judgement.. There is a beautiful chapter on these two powerful inner qualities that can so in Wayne Mueller’s book The Spiritual Advantages of a Painful Childhood that contains so much wisdom… Judgement differs from discrimination in that it will often split things into black and white when the inner reality of a situation we face may be far more complex. Sometimes the path to mercy may involve a long time of suffering where we also suffer from limited or more superficial or shallow ‘wrong views’ or misperceptions..
Writing this post the following words from Shakespeare came into mind
The quality of mercy is not strained it dropeth as the gentle rain from heaven upon the place beneath. It is twice blessed – it blesseth him that gives, and he that takes..
How beautiful : we feel more mercy and self compassion when our tears soften us and fall gently down our cheeks like rain. When this happens our body softens from its former painful resistance as we begin to feel the blessing of a more divine all emcompassing love flowing into our hearts. For after all the forces of our Higher Power and the Archangels as messengers of divinity are here to remind us that in our beings we truly are loved fully, tenderly, completely and unconditionally, with great mercy and full understanding. Mercy also allows us a second chance and a path to learning not through rejecting ourselves for our mistakes or wrongdoing but through full acceptance of them to birth wisdom.
Loving ourselves unconditionally at a causal level is embracing the felt aspect of our experience in each given moment, recognising that it’s both valid and required, without judging what’s happening through us and to us. Only when we are able to be this way with the felt aspect of our experience are we able to be this way with others and the experiences they are required to go through.
Michael Brown
Emerging From The Dark Night 