Mercury moved forward on late Saturday night here.. I certainly felt the impact building from Friday on.. I lost it with poor old Jasper in the early hours of Friday morning which made me realize when things feel out of control I do no manage my feelings well. I lashed out and gave him a slap all over half a bar of eaten chocolate. I am ashamed to admit this but on my blog I am honest as I can be..
I was hit as a child when something went wrong , it was with the wooden spoon, my sister’s oldest son got this treatment too and he fell off the vanity unit after polishing the mirror until it shone at about 5 years of age.. this is how OCD issues with hidden grief trauma at the root manifested in our family… As my living sister once said to me during one of her many breakdowns, people think you are doing okay, they see you swimming on the surface but little do they understand how furiously you a paddling beneath.. this makes sense to me of all of the body shock cycle spins I underwent again over the weekend I was litterally being thrown around the room under the force of it. In our family we had no words for emotions and my mother just acted out her frustrations on us and then demanded perfectionism and control, we were naughty kids instead of kids with needs and the need for containment and well as more healthy limits and ways of being seen and managing feelings. But a wounded parent cannot give to you what they do not have.
I am also been embroiled in yet more of another person’s issues. About 3 Tuesdays ago I offered that help to Jackson then out of fear reported he and the delivery company to the bank, they are genuine and now the company has threatened to sue me if I do not pay 1,600 to have that parcel delivered which contains the money he earned on contract. I have been beside myself as basically the other money the government asked to prove it was not laundered funds was over 10,000 dollars and when I told Scott he hit the roof. Apparently the validity of the funds has now been proven but I reported it as a fraud two weeks ago. While invesitating the bank shut down their account and now they say the have sustained damages and we are to pay them compensation. Its hard to share all of this in a blog but I am honest.. My second cousin called two times and was so worried that she could not get on… I get myself in these situations promising to help and then it all falls on top of me.
I got out today to breathe the fresh air.. All of this impact my body. It takes me away from my simple life.. I get embroiled in others complications and this goes back to being so young in a much older family.. .So many memories have been cascading through me over past days.. Of how young I was and there was a whole world set in place before I arrived that had nothing to do with me.. Even after I married I could not maintain an independent life, my trauma pulled me back in 2002 as you know and my life derailed..
I spent the last two nights collapsing in bed crying with memories of how I hurt my ex husband by not committing to us, as my own trauma was so unresolved, the angels tell me its not my fault but I still feel so very very sad for him.. Yesterday was the 29th anniversary of us meeting and its so bizzare to now know that was half a life time ago. I had vivid memories of our meeting and the weekly correspondence by letter (before the days of mobile phones and email) and then the first time he came to stay in Sydney and I went both to meet and see him off at the train station in Edgecliff close to my unit in Ocean Avenue. I was so nervous on that night I drank half a bottle of wine before he came and ended up singing the sofa with a small two bar heater as I think this was some time in July or August 1993.
So many cascades of memory now that Mercury is moving forward in square to my natal Uranus in Leo in the first house and as the Moon opposes my natal Chiron in Pisces today. I lay in bed this morning looking at the framed picture of that Chagall painting of the wedding I got at the exhibition at the Royal Academy of Art in London in 1985, the year my Dad died and I went to London alone..I was always alone it seems, so deeply alone I cannot even find the words to tell you.. Saturn is about that kind of existential aloneness that philosophers like Nietsche knew… and the angel of Saturn is Cassiel and so it is to him who I have been turning in my darkest moment lately to pray, to bear the sadness of feeling I invoked for other by only being abe to withdraw in avoidance due to inner pain and unhealed wounds.. I do have amends to make and also to myself.
Earlier as I curled up on the icy bedroom floor after talking to Julie and felt my body spasm I thought of the letter Samuel my great great great grandfather in Cornwall sent to his son, Thomas, in New Zealand where he said “it is so bitterly cold here and things are tough, I do not think I will ever see you again.” That made me weep so much when it was first shared with me by a distant relative Julie St George who I connected with a few years before Mum died in 2017. She told me so much and Julie knows more. That isolation had dogged me and it makes trusting in any thing hard.
Julie said she worries about me so much here alone, she knows no family care about me enough to ever be in touch.. she wants me to move north with Jasper and I think I will it might be time for me to move.. but my ancestors came here and so in some way it seems fitting and right that at the age of 50 when we all undergo our Chiron return moved back here. The moon in Virgo has been opposing that since last night and Mercury is now moving forward at 26 Taurus.. Soon we have Venus in Taurus meeting Uranus in Taurus and that may bring many awakenings (Uranus) into our relationships as well as love/self worth and self value issues (Venus.) I will be watching the collective closely
I did that chakra meditation lying in bed this morning after looking at the intense blue in that Chagall painting complemented by the red of a necklace I got in Sydney during that last tough time in 2011 after Phil and I split and escaped there after a huge row with Mum over unresolved grief.. I stayed 6 months before coming home for the last time..
When I got to my heart chakra and visualized the color green while praying to Archangel Raphael I was overcome with floods of emotion. He told me to concentrate in my heart on all those who have loved me and that I loved.. Uncle Piet, my godfather was first to mind, then Dad, it was hard coming to my godmother, she was nasty to Uncle Piet when he struggled from anger saying it was dementia when I know for a fact it had to do with a host of more complex emotions. He validated me and really saw my predicament in my family..
God knows it can be hard to feel the outflow of love for someone who does not see you and yet there can be a difficult to feel love never the less for those we longed for so much more from than they could ever really give.. But then I think of the times my parents were born into and of how my Godmother lost a brother to suicide who she later believed had been sexually abused by the Christian brothers. God knows how violent they could be especially in Ireland some years ago my brother revealed to me he had been hit with a piece of leather with metal inside it.. God knows how much suffering others suck up due to shame..
On that note of downloaded shame from unfeeling narcs I will leave you from this..
I downloaded my shame and frustration into Jasper in the early ages of Friday morning and I find it hard to forgive myself that.. If I leave chocolate lying around and he eats it that IS ON ME FOR NOT PROTECTING HIM BY PUTTING IT AWAY.. Believe me I have amends to make and I am far from good and pure.. that I know for sure.. But each day I am not for perfection but progress. with my very mixed up history of multigenerational trauma a lot of this is not on me and yet its up to me to own it and do the best I possibly can to improve those unhealed reactions that come out of displaced and mixed up emotions.
Emerging From The Dark Night 