A sadness and lots of anger.. 4th June update

There is a sadness today. I was so angry yesterday, it was a build up of frustration at so many things.. Even Jasper, my dog got in trouble, he ate half a block of dark chocolate I stupidly left behind a cushion on the sofa. I woke just after midnight and went to get a glass of water and there were pieces of foil and cardboard strewn everywhere and Jasper looking sheepish… this triggered me big time, yesterday everything seemed the hugest mess, my car, my personal situation with money, this house i got forced into, the pantry full of food I bought but do not eat or forget to use up, anger at my Mum for even having a child she didn’t want to look after and left alone listening to recordings of Peter and the Wolf which if you have ever heard it is pretty dark. Yesterday I was back in the deep dark void and fighting in my body to get free again..

I’m also noticing I cannot handle drinking coffee anymore.. I long for freshness and air, doing that Skylar meditation on healing the liver really made me realise how our organs store emotions and also how certain foods affect mine.. I do try and make sure I always have a fresh salad with lots of greens at lunch time to compensate..

It is interesting as my sign Aquarius relates to the mythic figure of Promethus who stole fire from the Gods but was punished by being chained to a rock and having an eagle feast on his liver every day.. something in this speaks to frustration and the ongoing resentment we can feel at being hurt or invalidated and our life falling so far short of what we needed or our ideals of perfection that are just not realistic for flawed humans.. Addressing all of this sadness, angst, pain and frustration, later in life when so much damage has been done to us is not easy.

I have allowed myself to be pulled around by stronger wills for over 4 years now, with promises made and no evidence of them materializing and so I am also very angry at my self, truth be told for letting it go on. I just want people to pull their energy back and start taking care of their own problems..

It helps to know I can breathe those painful emotions out.. at times it seems they just cycle and recycle and it hurts me to see lately I do do things that are counter productive and still quiet destructive to me in terms of not owning my own personal power, because often to do so seems to just make life so lonely.

It could all be down to both Mercury stationing in square to my Uranus in Leo.. When it starts to move direct again tomorrow it will head back to square my Chiron in Pisces again and that relates to my central wound or Achilles heel, something both my therapist, Kat and a good friend mentioned yesterday in exploring the issue of why i go on helping outers crying victim and then do not feed my own life or needs.. I am getting this lesson big time right now with someone else also pulling on me..

I went for a lovely brisk walk in the fresh air about an hour ago.. I was also dancing a lot and listening to music on headphones earlier to counteract these anxiety symptoms I get when I eat.. I noticed the walk helped me as does stretching my arms to exercise the heart meridians and my lungs and focusing on a good long slow exhalation…. I think I get those ongoing deep dives back into depression from time to time but my experience is that often, following them, things can improve.

My heart and throat chakras need good attention at the moment.. I stifled my voice for a long time, I was often absorbing others trauma.. I have to be careful after I had contact with someone to see what I may have absorbed from them.. it is said that empaths get sought out by others who want their help but its important for us to be full up on our own good energy otherwise we have nothing to give.. As I have shared before nature, trees and birds are my go too things to recharge…I was just at the park a moment ago grounding under a big tree and it was lovely to notice the textures and patterns of the eyes of the trees that form where branches have been removed.. Nature takes my focus in to something beautiful and miraculous and out of the dark deep internally painful places I can sometimes sadly get so fixated upon in my trauma and while working to heal and change.

I also drew the Four of Cups in a tarot reading today and I just read this which makes a lot of sense.. It spoke also of declining alluring offers made to me.. I wish I had done this last month.

The Four of Cups can also indicate a time when you are turning your attention and your energy internally, to realign to this new phase of your life. You know that you need to be standing on terra firma before you can decide your next steps. While you may need to decline some very alluring opportunities, you do so knowing you will be in a better position to say ‘yes’ to the opportunities that are a better fit for you. You are creating the space within yourself so that you are ready to accept new opportunities later and give them the best possibility of success. Use this time for inward reflection, grounding, and contemplation before accepting the next ‘big thing’.

The Four of Cups can appear when you are bored or dissatisfied with your everyday life. You may feel disengaged, apathetic or unmotivated – maybe life has become dull. The Four of Cups invites you to bring your attention inward and re-evaluate your situation to find a deeper meaning in what you do. You may have found yourself disconnected from your emotional self and inner truth, and need to re-establish this connection so you can get a greater sense of purpose and direction. Now could be an excellent time to switch off from the distractions of the external world – social media, the news and other people’s stories – to allow you the space to listen to your own voice and inner knowing and gain more clarity.