Lately I am seeing where my wounds led me to empty places that were based on my past trauma and emotional devaluation and neglect as well as the deeply imbedded traumas of the multi-generational past, even though I could not be fully aware of that at the time. This is the thing about us being driven my unconscious forces, we cannot be aware of them, in many ways they are like a deep wave rising up and changing the landscape, most certainly for me with the planet Neptune so strong in my chart in the deep watery sign of Scorpio with its sign Pisces being the place of the placement of my generation’s Chiron (born during the 1960s) this watery theme makes sense. So often it makes me lose my strong ego footing in this rapidly changing world.
I wrote a post about a retreat to the ancestral womb a long time ago.. This happened to me after Saturn went through the third watery sign of Cancer and my twelfth house.. At that time everything dissolved in my life as Neptune by transit began to hit all of my other personal planets and square its natal place. My marriage ended after I derailed my overseas life.. My husband and I landed back here but rapidly felt the pain of what had not been dealt with and he, in time, ran. I then could not come back to the site of all of my original trauma in my home town but stayed almost trapped at the coast.. that was the place so tied to my father and his soul
It was there during 2004 to 2010 I underwent that breakdown which was also a time of awakening. I cannot explain how much that period was like death, a real journey to the Underworld… especially the winters there where there were no other people living close in the townhouse development and wild storms raged… The only outer connection I had for the year of 2006 was the local Al Anon group and that was difficult at times.. I had given up AA learning that the ‘disease’ in me was really a family issue and meeting a healer there confirmed that what had happened to my sister in terms of her head trauma was also ancestrally related.
As I battle all of my head trauma symptoms still and get a better handle on them I see its like I was always being hit over the head by a nasty punishing masculine force..I did have a dream back during my first Jungian therapy in the UK about being hit over the head by a man with a bottle and my then therapist told me that was a powerful dream metaphor of how i used alcohol. To numb and dumb myself down.
Lately in dreams this masculine force has begun to turn kinder to me.. Last night it appeared as a sensitive young man who told me he could not abide the city and had decided t move to the country to be close to nature, the land and the birds.. IN the dream I was telling him about how beautiful it was to live in Cambridge, in a town where cars are banned from part of the city and surrounded by nature, meadows and soft country.
Lately being mocked, devalued and laughed at by someone for following my gut I no longer take on the anger.. I just block him for a while.. or send him a song that speaks to arrogance.. After all sad to say it but so many men in my life seem to have this sense of being superior, wiser or all knowing in spades.. (this is not all men I do know by the way as the dynamic is changing as I change inside myself.)
Anyway we had heavy rain here over the past few days. Going out to walk late yesterday and today to get a coffee and some health supplies I saw piles of saturated leaves.. Today is the first day of winter and the trees are nearly denuded now.. I picked up a beautiful big leaf from the play park near to Nana’s on the way home and while I was there I was reminded by my guides to start nurturing my creative and artistic side. To keep, during this winter, doing things that nurture my soul It occurred to me then that when I met my ex husband he tried to encourage this in me.. he was artistic and so was his youngest sister, who was a puppeteer and lived in Devon.. I feel that often our soul draws us to those who represent a part of our shadow, and i am really feeling this lately. This is a side of myself I have not yet really begun to own and develop.
Yesterday everything felt wrong in my life, the weather was dark and I dreamed of selling up my place and escaping overseas.. today I am trying to love where i am in my place and start to honor what my guidance is telling me. When we do not trust ourselves, so often we can turn against our own truth.. Today my guides told me to say these affirmations to myself :
“I honor myself and my journey and stand in my own personal power” and
“It is safe for me to rise to my full stature”,
so often in life I felt I had to shrink myself so as not to be offensive to someone.. I was often told I was ‘a drama queen’, ‘a tissue queen’ (too sensitive, too emotional, cries too much) or ‘too big for my boots’.. as a rebel I sang Nancy Sinatra’s song These Boots Are Made For Walking as a young one probably in an attempt to thumb my nose at it but never the less that conditioning and inner killing voice/force did lodge itself so deeply within me
It is time for me not to feel as unsafe taking a huge deep breath.. yes I get lonely at times and I suffer from the fear that during my life I have made such disastrous choices out of my trauma that I may soon be going to die before I ever get to fully live as my true soul.
At this point I have to keep trusting I am emerging.. Listening to teachings by Lee Harris reminds me many of us are still deep in the process of throwing off deeply devaluing conditioning that puts us down as empaths and sensitive people.. But the truth is that this world does need us to honor our gifts.. To stand up to those who would shame and try to shut us down and to become a voice for the loving Great Mother so adored in indigenous cultures and so obliterated during the passing toxic Kali Yuga period where the masculine conquest to dominate and subjugate those with true power held such powerful sway. But this kind of ruthless, uncaring power dynamic is well and truly reaching its end time and cosmic use by date.
Emerging From The Dark Night 