Yesterday was intense, more pressure from Scott, and big spins. It is so hard to be in a situation where someone is pleading with you for their life, then you have those who know you have overextended yourself for so long, you even know it yourself, but you did it out of love meeting so much opposition along the way.. I did not know if I would stand up today but I did and I ate and got us out to the park and was rewarded by Jasper being able to connect with another little dog called Wolfie who was ripe for a big run around, that was so good for Jasper who absorbs so much of my stress.. We then did a brisk walk before heading home to get a coffee on the way.
I had not seem my local barrista, Miguel for a while, I have such a soft spot for him and its lovely to have someone in your life who asks after and missed you.. He had not been that well either, the guy works two jobs and is so fast and friendly working in the cafe.. I just told him vaguely its been a tough two weeks and that was enough..
I am home now and the day that started foggy and cloudy is clearing with sun now shining down on me in the little nook where I write my blog in the mornings, is that a metaphor? I made a new friend on Instagram they wanted to support me in what I was going through but after opening up to Jackson and getting in so much hot water financially I had to just not reply, its best if I manage my own life, its the only way.. I did put a call through to my brother and just as well as he is off to America today after 2 years of not being able to go there.. He has a place in Utah and usually spends their winter skiing and missing out on summer, my therapist always jokes about how he prefers an icy place to the warmth of Australia. There is no easy way to be close to my brother, I have wept over it, he has devalued me so many times but I still love him, never the less I did feel so spun around after our chat on Tuesday. I keep the communication open even if there is so much I cannot speak to him about.. He was telling me how much he also struggles with his sinuses and about an awful medical procedure he had done on them as a child. I always learn something new from our chats.
I was so happy after our walk yesterday to the wild reserve close to us.. I sang and wrote a number of poems.. I then watched the movie A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood with Tom Hanks all about a man who is so angry with his emotionally abandoning father.. It made me realise the unconscious so often draws us close to those things that resonate. Earlier in the day my guides had directed me towards a reading in the Al Anon reader on being there for an unavailable parent by being able to accept them as an imperfect and deeply flawed human being.. the movie helped me to see how so often my anger and resentment derailed me and can still do.. I am trying my best to find ways to forgive my father.. he did his best I know that, I also know that he loved me. Our closest times were riding the Cha Cha at the Hanging Rock fair, because on those early coast holiday fishing always came first and I abhorred being out on the boat as did my older sisters who always jumped ship and swam in to shore.. Being young I could not do that and was just stuck there. I remember one day throwing up an apricot yoghurt after being seasick. I had so little power or control as a young one and the still carries through today and as much as I blame myself I know the entire thing goes very much deeper. There are just so many deeply unconscious reasons I get drawn to men with problems and try to save them when really I should be saving myself and yet that his how deep our longing for connection goes.. nothing to be ashamed about at all.
My living sister is very on my mind.. I miss her, I do.. We have not spoken for weeks.. Seeing Lloyd sitting by his dying father’s bed in that movie called to mind my Mum later days.. Dad was taken so quickly we never got to speak as the drugs took him under prior to us losing him after they tried to perform an emergency tracheoctomy on him in January 1985. I carried that terrible loss, buried grief and guilt for years in my addiction, it only began to burst out of me from 1999 onwards and then the seas churned so wildly in my life as I was pulled this way and that forwards and backwards to family and my ancestral lands in the UK. One’s soul journey is enormous that is for sure and MOST CERTAINLY HAVE ENDURED MORE THAT MOST
SEVER BODILY INJURIES INVOLVING BURNS LACERATIONS OR DEEP CUTS UP TO 4 OR 5 TIMES
NEARLY DYING AT 17
HAVING MY SISTER DISABLED IN 1980
HER SUICIDE ATTEMPT
MY FATHER’S DEATH
ADDICTION
TERMINATIONS OF PREGNANCY
LOSS OF MY OLDER SISTER AFTER A PROLONGED PERIOD OF ILLNESS
SECOND SUICIDE ATTEMPT OF MY SECOND SISTER AND HER ONGOING INCARCERATION AND SHOCKING WITH ECT
EMOTIONAL ABANDONMENT BY MY BROTHER IN HIM NOT BELIEVING ME AFTER MUM DIED
I need to write all of this stuff out so I get a more realistic sense of how well I actually have coped up to now… no one really understands, except maybe my therapist.. the important thing is that I do.. and i no longer consent to drown in toxic shame for having admirably tried to help someone also in a very difficult situation, my own emotional neglect set me up for this and God knows unconscious patterns can take years and years to get an adequate handle on.
Emerging From The Dark Night 