I no longer have time to nurture negative perspectives.. It is so important how we think about our experience and this is not to deny if situations or things seem tough or truely are painful and challenging but to take a pro active approach to do what can be done to improve the situation and most of all a fractured sense of self value.. This was never more important than during this current Venus eclipse period.
I had to do that today, I had to fight my corner and set a boundary and challenge someone spinning my reality. Lately I am learning to make my anger serious and neither blow it off or let it lead me down a destructive pathway take action to bloody well protect myself in a good way. The truth is not all self protection is negatively defensive
That said, at times feeling the intensity of the emotional charge can be a big for someone who never set boundaries much or felt they had a right to much of an existence and to be honest I have been sitting here shedding tears over all of that tonight. I have heard that if we have a long history of lack of positive self assertion and carry an unnecessary burden of shame over feeling angry that often when our anger does first start to come out it does feel super intense. But this a sign we really have had enough of being used, or even putting ourselves down.
Sometimes I cry over all I missed out on trying to be there for others. At times just getting close to others though has just felt so super fraught.
Anyway I am putting myself into extreme self care after setting that boundary with someone today. I am feeling tired. I am also going to take a break from therapy.. Lately I am realising there is not really a lot wrong with me and that it really is time to start seeking good things for myself just in daily life. The past is gone now. It need not lay any claims on me.. I even accept it had to be the way it was while not liking a lot of things.. I dont have to like everything I just have to accept it at the same time as I know that the choices I make today are the most important thing that will influence my present happiness. I do not need the stress of others laying their problems on me and getting angry if I try to advocate for my own needs. I can walk away from it.
I try to do something with my body these days to get in moving rather than just writhe around in anguish or freeze states. Its not always easy and after this altercation last night when I woke up at 5 am I felt both cold and anxious. I noticed that the anger had made me contract
Emerging From The Dark Night 