Taking the risk

I got myself out early today but mostly it was down to this recent energy shift and anxiety. Yesterday was huge getting to therapy devolving in my emotions while reading a recent poem and the affect of that on my energy body, getting back into the car, picking a card from my new Mystical Moments Tarot deck which was positive and spoke of new perspectives and opportunities.

Since it was Anzac Day here and a public holiday I took a salad with me and ended eating it in the park opposite Kat’s room after replying to Word Press comments, I then went into town as I needed new thermal tops but shops were shut until 1 pm due to the holiday, I then felt a wave of guilt even being at the shops on such a sad and momentous day when we remember the pain and sacrifice of active service. But there you go. I know both guilt and upset over the past and how I reacted are often big issues with me. Most of the guilt is not necessary even if some is.

I ordered a bit more to eat at my usual cafe but they were inundated.. people don’t know what to do on public holidays so they go to the shops.. I was patient and waited but it was good to get out of there and home to Jasper.. I wasn’t as triggered as I often get coming home after therapy when the critic lambasts me about mess. I sat quietly in the Sun in the kitchen then tied out some junk from one of the shelves and then read. Later on I watched a movie Good Posture on a young woman emotionally abandoned by her Dad after her Mum leaves and sent to live with a famous writer played by English actress Emily Mortimer.. Recently I watch the series Pursuit of Love that Emily both wrote and starred in.. This movie was written and directed by her good friend Dolly Wells.

Last night’s sleep was all over the shop though, I ended up wetting the bed again at 12.30 pm I was back in some kind of freeze again and it took me ages to settle I had to lie on the other side of the bed and I woke about 5.30 am and then went back to sleep until 7.

After a forced breakfast I went out to Manuka for a walk and to the milk bar in the arcade that played such a big part in my family due to our business involvement there and Mum running around there as a kid playing hooky. I sat down while waiting at a shared tablet and the man opposite and I struck up the most interesting conversation he was a primary school teacher turned secondary and then special needs teacher who now works with kids with autism and special needs he even mentioned Sir Ken Robinson and I told him I had written a blog about that last week. The conversation ranged across those issues as well as his family past which was fascinating.. He was telling me that his Grandmother grew up in Scotland and was adopted by a family who saw her at a market with her then parents who were not well off and taken to Australia.. In time the family left behind fell on very hard times.. It struck me as the most interesting story..To see how one person’s fate could be changed by such a brief encounter intrigued me so much.

Anyway after that I went to do my shopping but I had walked so far that carrying two laden bags to the car was a bit of a stretch I stopped and sat down or just to breathe but 3 times when a lady walking up the laneway offered to help me. I took the help. I always say I am okay, she had been at L’Orange bakery to get an eclair for her 18 year old granddaughter..

After that got home, unpacked the things started to clear up bird pooh and leaves from the deck as well as Jasper’s pooh since he missed out on a couple of walks last week. I must admit being overwhelmed by that reduces me to tears, I get so activated and this is where sitting down to write does help me from the bodily overwhelm. At least I get to be kind of ‘still’ at the time.. My days are all so different now. Jasper did not come out with me today but Simon took him yesterday so I am not worried and he takes himself off gallivanting around our peaceful street with hardly any through traffic, any old instant now he will dash back in like a hurricane smiling, breathless and panting.

Oh and at 5.30 am I listened to a lovely talk by Eckhart Tolle on the consciousness of dogs.. he was saying that he feels one of the reasons people love their dogs so deeply is their capacity to just ‘be’ as well as the soulfulness in their eyes.. I must agree there is nothing like the shot of oxytocin that gazing into your pooches eyes gives you

So today some emotion and feeling of being overwhelmed has poured out but maybe its down to taking the risk to be out and engage.. I just have to go gently with myself as all of the leaves fall off that huge tree out the back that covers my deck along with the berries and lots of bird poop out there at the moment.. The tree gives me glorious shade in summer so I just have to bear with the chaos of the mess for the next 3 or so weeks as the leaves and stamens all fall. The tree is shedding for winter and I am trying to follow my own cycles but also take the risk to reach out and engage.. It really paid off today as I was so lovely to meet that man earlier today and have such an interesting chat in the milk bar.