What you did, did hurt me.. I never wanted to be mean by calling you out but your failure to validate my feelings made it harder.. These days I do not blame you, you were doing what you needed to do but the truth is a loving aware partner and parents would have supported me in getting the feelings out, not try to shame me for them or shut them down, turning a cold shoulder when I was in pain.
Did Mum and Dad love me? In their way.. What is true love anyway?.. I think it might mean to love the person unconditionally and to help them through problematic behavior with caring guidance but due to all you were dealing with you could not be there Mum and Dad at such a pivotal time in my life and the left really deep scars in me, it also made me more vulnerable to those who would not validate or take my feeling seriously but tried to shut me down. Sadly it also left me carrying a very big burden of unearned shame.
This is not just ‘bitching’, ‘whinging’ or ‘complaining’, its calling a spade a spade and not a diamond in the rough when it was but then the hurt of it put the grit into my oyster and in time allowed me to fashion this dark pearl of my suffering until it became irridescent with the glow of reawakening, wisdom and self love.
Now I understand that, in truth, none of it was a mistake. It was all a part of my path and despite the fact I felt i failed really I was so strong to endure as much as I did. This shame was not mine, it was yours but you could not own it. And so I had to carry it until I got the right help and met others undergoing the same. And now I know I am never alone on this healing journey as long as i can lay claim to my truth, and at times I feel myself so thankful for what was there, for all of the support you gave in the only way you could. And when I struggle with self care I have manifold memories of the many times you pushed yourself to be there even as I also remember the times you let me drop and left me so very far away from any kind of loving form of human warmth, understanding, true empathy or care.
Emerging From The Dark Night 