I thought a lot about grief and breathlessness and panic attacks last night after watching a video I posted yesterday. It made sense of why when Jonathan, my ex husband, decided to leave suddenly I was beset with daily panic attacks that really have not abated in 18 years. The grief remains suppressed a lot of the time but often it will move out, perhaps I will always carry a portion of it.
Sad to know in society we step away from those grieving instead of moving closer especially after the heat of the initial loss has died down. All the bereaved or suffering may need is the soft touch of a hand, not words, not platitudes and not solutions of which there are none as grief cannot be sidestepped as long as we try because the reality is that a soul to soul connection forged over time then removed may bring a deep, real and true period of pain.
It makes me feel better connecting to my brother latelt, too as he carries a lot of Dad inside him but thinking about it my living sister is temperamentally a lot like Dad, quiet, soft and serious when not manic but her chart does contain that Mars square split between both Mum.and Dads energy styles and between water (Mum) and fire (Dad).
Partly it was good to be able to spend time at the psyche facility with my sister but it was always mixed especially in the dark times when the ECT had almost immobilised her on the bed. She is undergoing it again which makes me sad but lately I notice those feelings are not as overwhelming as they used to be.
Anyway these days I can deeply know what a grief it was to have such an emotionally distant Dad and then to lose him so suddenly in 1985 after 6 years of other trauma. Don’t even care if readers are bored of me talking about it, since the impact always lives on. The most important thing now? I know how it felt. I know how painful.it was to be sent away and be so vulnerable but unable to KNOW THAT THEN TO ACT IT OUT AND BECOME AN ADDICT but even when abstinent the grief never went away and iver a long oetiod it became problematic complex unresolved grief, though that slowly changes with my blog, therspy and poetry as containers, plus sharing other’s grief journeys.
Lately when I look at footage of Johhny Depp testifying in his recent trial and hear mentioned how he self medicates with alcohol and drugs I sense grief at the base of that too. So many suffer it so it’s important for our mental health to name it and also find ways to express hidden grief or sorrow. And not consent to allowing it to be subverted, projected or disallowed expression so that the only remaining evidence of its existence becomes panic attacks.
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Emerging From The Dark Night 